


Alternate Realities Vol 34 - Stupid Twat

by MARKSE



Series: HUMANS FAN FICTION - Reformatted Works for easier reading [30]
Category: Humans (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 20:22:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 21,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18746437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MARKSE/pseuds/MARKSE
Summary: A heavily pregnant Mattie, still stuck in one of the many simulated worlds, proves to herself that she's not seeing patterns that don't exist. It might not end well for all. Does it? You decide.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A "short" story for me, as I'm now focusing on getting my 5 book original series into print. :D

Mattie gazes out of the bedroom window, listens to the sound of a spoon knocking the inside of a coffee mug. “No sugar for me please, I’m giving it up.” A cheeky grin grows.

Seconds later, Leo joins her, places two mugs on the table under the window, says nothing.

Reaching for her ‘BADASS CODER’ mug, Mattie doesn’t take her eyes off the lawn in the distance, not even for a second. It would come, today was the 21st. 17:10. She was convinced.

If her time at school and uni had taught her anything, it was that the world was complex, but not quite as complex as people imagined. Nature and Fibonacci's sequence for example, how shells and ferns grew in a repeatable pattern, all proportions perfect, give or take the odd glitch. The grass on the lawn too, all those millions of blades growing in exactly the same way, waiting for the lawnmower to come and chop their heads off.

Her watch is raised into her line of sight, checked again. 17:11. The seconds pass.

Leo glances over his shoulder. The wall behind them was covered in large sheets of white write on, wipe off plastic, turning it into a giant whiteboard. Even with his brain healed, the synth implant fully operational again, he couldn’t decode her scribbles. Mattie had devised a code and kept the key to herself, locked safely in her head, where nobody else could find it. The scribble in the middle had been made three months ago. Over the weeks that followed, it was made bigger and bigger, more sheets stuck by the sides of the first, the wall slowly papered in the stuff from the middle outwards. It worried Leo. More than a little. What worried him most was Mattie’s continued assertions that Mia wasn’t dead. He knew people got mental health issues, suffered from denial. He’d seen that as a young boy with his mother and father. Then damaged synth Hester had shown that an AI could suffer in the same way.

Mattie does a one handed finger flicking clap. “Yes! Herrrrre’ssss Foxy! 17:12. A variation of only two minutes, damn I’m good!” She jumps up and goes to the wall, adds another coded scribble.

“Mats? I’ve stood by you for weeks. Either you tell me what’s going on, or.. or I go and live with Max.”

“Fine. Go live with Max.”

“Mattie!”

She chuckles. “You’re such a crap bluffer, Leo. Okay. I’ll share my secret, now I’ve perfected the code and gotten the proof I need.”

“Code? Proof?”

“Yes, my energiser bunny.” She sits on a chair backwards and smiles, rubs her large baby bump. “Tell me the two most common types of random number generators.”

Frowning, Leo thinks of code he’d written, the most recent being a simple game to keep Sophie amused on long car journeys. “That would be pseudorandom number generators, also random number generators that use external entropy.”

“Correct. A gold star for Mister Miserable.”

“I’m not miserable!”

“Now there’s a man in denial. When the baby’s here and I’m not feeling so frigging big, _then_ you can have some again. So, two types of random number generator. One that needs entropy, typically someone jiggling their mouse, one that doesn’t.” They hear a door slam. “KNOBS? IS THAT YOU?”

The sound of heavy footsteps on stairs gets louder. “Slaps, Fred’s with me, our team just creamed the competition!”

Mattie does her beautiful yet slightly lopsided sarcastic smile. “Perfect! Freddie the Fox Fixer and Wonder Slob. What was the score?” She turns back to the window to watch the fox.

Toby enters the bedroom. “Seven two. It should have been eight, but the ref thought one was offside. Blind twat.” He turns, frowns, nods at the wall. “Slaps, has that thing got bigger?”

“Yes, Knob Cock. I’ve heard you’d like a super flashy penis compensator to drive around in, I can offer something better..”

Toby interrupts. “My tackle is sufficient thanks, just ask Holly-Anne!”

Laughing in a deep bass, Fred practices an eye roll. “I think she was referring to your tackl- _ing_. On the pitch.”

“Mate! Who’s side are you on?”

“Ours.”

Flopping onto the bed, Toby wiggles his mud caked legs, the only clean bits being the toe ends of his socks. “Good. I’d like a car, any car. It doesn’t need to be anything flash, anything to avoid waiting for buses. How do we afford one? Dad’s veg shop got smashed up in the Brexit riots, Mum’s still in prison, none of us have proper jobs.”

Mattie looks away from the window to see him. “Oi you cock! Those bed sheets were clean on yesterday!”

Rolling and grinning, Toby runs a muddy hand over them. “It’s time they came off. Fred’s been servicing Mrs Williams at number eight, she’s paid in fresh bedding. Nice silk stuff too.”

“Eh? She’s not a synth.”

“Not that sort of service.” He grins.

“What? You’re pimping Fred?”

The look on Toby’s face said plenty. “Slaps! I had nothing to do with it!”

Nodding, Fred puffs his chest up. “I said I was a handy man looking for work. She said I’d come in very handy, could I look at her plumbing? I’m still mastering the art of detecting sarcasm and plays on words. It was a good job I entered the house with a full charge, she kept me busy for hours. I think she’s exhausted.”

Sniggering, Mattie looks out of the window. “The biological imperative only needs to exist on one side I guess. Like Niska and Astrid. Happy with your performance then, was she, Freddie?”

“She said I was a most exceptional lover. Exceptional, as is my hearing. You said _Perfect! Freddie the Fox Fixer_. Why, Mattie?”

“The fox returned to Mr and Mrs Jennings’ lawn.”

“And that is a noteworthy event?” He turns to look at the wall of scribbles. “Three new glyphs?”

“It is. Because I’ve made a very important discovery. I can predict the future and manipulate time.”

Toby coughs, laughs and sneezes at the same time, blows a load of snot out of his nose. “Oops.” He pulls his top up and uses it as a handkerchief. “It’s going in the wash anyway.”

“Knob. That’ll have to be a hand wash now.”

“Why?”

“Remember at breakfast years back, I sarcastically said we should throw the washing machine a party?”

“Yeah?”

“Well today, we gave our one a wake.”

“You broke it? Shit Mats!”

“I didn’t break it, you knob, it broke itself. Do you want to hear about my discovery or not?”

“What’s that mangey old fox got to do with anything?” He sits, wipes his hand on the sheets. “I’ll make the beds. It’s good gear, I think she wants Freddie back.” His considerable Hawkins eyebrows are bounced.

“Men. Okay. It’s simple. The fox isn’t a fox.” The loud laughter she receives makes her feel a little disappointed. But then this was Toby. Him and disappointment were the best of mates, often hung out together. Fred looked more interested. “Penny for it Freddie?”

“I like logic games. It’s not synth, that is definite.” He steps closer to the window, flexes his bad hand. “A synthetic fox would never suffer with mange, being immune to all viral and bacterial infections. Mechanical failure might occur, eventually. If it looks like a fox, yaps like a fox, scavenges like a fox, it is generally a fox.”

“Based on what? Be specific.”

Fred frowns. Something he didn’t do often. “To reword what I have already said, its appearance and observed behaviour.”

Grinning, Mattie gets to her old Slate. “Could you draw me one, photorealistic?”

“I could. If it were necessary, Mattie.”

“How about animate it?”

“Given a lot of time and a suitable computer, yes.”

Flopping back on the bed again, Toby gazes at the ceiling. “It’s a skanky old fox. What would you want a photorealistic animation of that for?”

“To prove it could be done. Humour me for a moment boys. Accept that it’s already been done, what would control when it turned up?”

A look comes over Toby’s face. “Are you saying it’s like the black glitch cat?”

“No. Not quite.”

Leo grabs his mug. “Are you about to suggest that a random number generator controls the fox?”

“Put forward for consideration? Like a potential theory in one of my lectures? No. Not suggest. I’m going to prove it.”

Toby’s laughter echoes around the small room. “My hormone flooded big sister has _totally_ lost the plot. More than Renie ever did. And that was a lot.”

Pulling an expression that only got let out on special occasions, Mattie rubs her hands over her knees. “I did the exact opposite, Tobs. I _found_ the plot.”

“Eh?” He gets up and sits on the edge of the bed. The look on her face was a rare one. For him at least. It sounded like Mattie’s discovery could be a lot more interesting than queueing for hours to claim his Jobseeker's Allowance. Or waiting for a team to play footie or Playstation games against. “Found where?”

“All around us. Remember how you thought it would be cool to be in The Matrix? We are. Only I can’t say if we’re sleeping beans or just software running on a computer in a freezing cold rack.”

His face drops as fast as his enthusiasm. “Fuck. Sorry, Mats. Sounds like you’ve got something bad, like the old lady Mia helped look after.”

After biting both lips for a moment, thinking of ways to keep her on track, Leo looks at the white wall. “Mattie, that last scribble, was that for fox?”

“Yes.”

The key had been found. The glyph was the letters F, O and X drawn over each other, the line style indicating their ordering, shapes drawn in the gaps and around them to confuse the eye. So simple and yet he’d missed it. He gets up. “If that one is fox, is this one cat, this one dog?”

“Correct.”

He steps towards the centre, looks at a more complex glyph one way then another. “That can’t be. Can it? Postman?” He looks over his shoulder and gets a nod. His eyes return to the wall, are kept on it as he searches for a more interesting one to decode. “But he’s human, Mattie.”

“He looks human, sounds human, moves like one. Doesn’t mean he is one. Or a synth.”

Toby gets up and joins Leo. “So the Fox isn’t a fox, the postman isn’t a postman?” He gets even closer to Leo to whisper. “Leo, is she okay?”

He whispers back. “I hope so.” Pointing at another glyph, Leo motions to Toby. “Birds.” He whispers again. “I know where this is going.”

“Mate, I’m glad someone does. Where?”

Pointing rapidly around the wall, Leo talks loudly. “Birds, bees, flies, plants, fish, small mammals like mice to large ones like horses, even larger ones like whales. They’re all dead. Wiped out of existence. By..” he works out how the many lines and circles indicated a hierarchy. “..this animal.” He steps sideways and points to the glyph slap bang in the middle, the one that looked to have been erased and carefully redrawn. “Shit. A monster. Homo Sapiens. Us.” He had a question that had gone unanswered too long. “How is Mia not dead, Mattie?”

“Because we all are. We were never alive, not in the way you think we are. Hear me out. Fred’s amazing at football, because he’s learnt just how far he can push overclocking without damage. The faster his core runs, the slower things around him appear to move. The slower they go, the more time he has to study things, work out how to respond. Max and Niska can do the same. Niska does, Max chooses not to. You can’t, Leo, as your synth components have to sync with what’s left of your original brain and nervous system. Unless you up the clock speed of that too.”

Leo turns to face her. “That’s an impossibility, unless..”

“Unless we’re all simulations of our past selves.” She gives him a knowing smile. “So our baby is actually a child process. We’re all processes or process threads running in a giant simulation. The postman, he’s a shell, filler, making the world appear less empty. Just like the animals. Either that or he’s got some frigging major OCD.”

Toby wasn’t a geek, understanding this was hard work. “You said you can predict the future and control time?”

“I know how to renice my process.”

“In English?”

“Okay. Um.. over the years Microsoft Windows became less popular as more and more discovered Linux, a free Unix like operating system. It uses nice levels to say which processes get more time in the CPU. The higher the number, the nicer the process, the less time it gets. I can bump my process’s nice level to frigging nasty. To you I look the same, but inside I’m thinking far faster. What am I not brilliant at? Um.. throw something small at me, as fast as you can.”

“Seriously?”

“Do it, Tobs.”

A second later she grabs his fast moving phone with ease. “See. I started moving my hand before you’d even let go, I’d been able to predict the path it would take from your hand position and movement. Then I just needed to fine tune my response as it slowly came at me.”

“Slow? That wasn’t slow!” Toby looks offended.

“To you, no. But in my time it was incredibly slow. How do you fancy being a first division player, earning us some money to get us out of this shit hole?”

He looks at his sister, confused. “You’re not going to use your discovery?”

“With this?” She points to the belly bump with index fingers. “I can hack time, not physics. I can’t make it go away, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I don’t want to wake up to find I’m code in a faceless rack. In the real world, one second of our time here may take a whole day to simulate, possibly longer. For the moment I’m happy with cogito, ergo sum. _I think, therefore I am_. I’m sure squeezing Turbo Baby out will feel painful and real enough. The fox and postman were what got me started. I noticed a pattern. I was talking to Leo about random number generators just before you came back. If we’re in a computer somewhere, there wouldn’t be a human wiggling a mouse or tapping keys for entropy. Which leaves one type. Pseudo random. The downside of them is that with enough data you can predict what the next numbers might be. Like my predicting when skanky fox would return. As I said, I can predict the future. For some things. And I can control time. For us.”

Toby’s eyes move around a lot, not looking at anything specific, just moving with his brain deep in thought. “So you can’t make me go faster physically, like The Flash, but I can react to things better?”

“Yup. All you need is the code. Be warned, you mustn’t attempt to speak when running your mind faster, it’ll give the game away.”

Sitting next to Toby, Fred talks extremely slowly with a frequency adjusted downwards. “If we knew the difference in cycle times, we could adjust to compensate.” He flashes a smile, talks normally again. “I’m overclocking right now and everyone hears it normally. Time is relative.”

“Mate! That’ll need a lot of practice but is doable. Wicked! When do I start? Getting out of this flat has to be a priority. I’m with you, I don’t want to know I’m code in a lifeless rack in a computer cluster.”

Frowning, Mattie gives him inquisitive eyes. “Cluster?”

“We’ve been talking about linking computers up in ICT.”

“Right. Did you understand it?”

“Not really.”

“Want to?”

“Not really.” The front door can be heard slamming again. “Eh? Who’s that?”

Looking towards Fred, Leo frowns. “Niska.”

Seconds later she’s in the room. “Hello again.”

“Niska? You were going on a two week holiday?”

“Yes?”

“But you only left at lunch time. Today.”

“Yes, Leo. My case is with Astrid. I had to go book flights and accommodation. I’m not swimming all the way to the Maldives!”

“But you booked it last week?”

“That operator went bankrupt. It’ll take time to get the money back, so I had to book with someone else. I just came to say goodbye properly, Mattie was in the shower earlier.”

“Wow, Niska, that’s nice of you.”

She gives him a friendly playful scowl. “You know my standard answer.” She steps to Mattie and gives her a kiss on the cheek. “Good luck with the delivery, Mattie. I tried to move the holiday, Astrid’s boss said she could leave permanently if she didn’t take the two weeks already agreed. Sorry.”

“I’ll be fine. Go and enjoy your time with Astrid.”

“Thank you Mattie. I’ll see you all in two weeks.”

“Thank you, Mattie.”

Fred watches her step away. “How did you pay for it? You said you’d spent all your savings on the first booking.”

Niska smiles with her eyes. “My credit card.”

“Banks don’t give synths credit cards.”

“They do when you can prove you have an independent income.”

“From what? Niska?”

She gets to the doorway. “I’m not a sex worker again. I took inspiration from my past, did some gender switching. I write fiction, for a niche market.”

“You write fiction?”

“Lesbian erotica.” She smiles at Toby. “You’d love it. I’ve seen the contents of your web browser cache, don’t deny it.”

He shrugs. “Wasn’t going to. Some men slag off men in general, then say _of course, I’m not like that_ when you know damn well they are. It’s bollocks. Try not to wear Astrid out too much. And take plenty solar panels.”

“Why?”

“You’re going to an island in the middle of nowhere, where are you going to find a mains socket?”

Smiling, Niska waves to them all. “That’s already been dealt with by previous visitors. They have small water turbines on the sea bed, a mile out from the islands. See you in two. Good luck Mattie.”

~~~

[Chapter-2](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-2-1)


	2. Chapter 2

Later that evening, method shared, Toby intercepts countless fast balls kicked by Fred. “Awesome! How do we get a talent spotter along to our park games?”

Mug held in one hand, the bottom of her baby bump in the other, Mattie sips. “Play as you always do, start incremental changes. Don’t go full on day one. Word will get out. Let it happen naturally. We don’t want to shout too much, we’ve no idea if the system is monitoring us. We want a football agent spotting you, not an Agent Smith type. Ouch!”

“Mats?”

“I think Turbo Baby wants to play footy. She’s got a hell of a kick!”

“She? How do you know it’s a she?”

“Lack of a dick, you dick. In ultrasound scans?”

He does a sheepish grin. “Oh. Right. When’d you have those? I thought you said the hospital had anything not bolted down looted?”

“It did. Niska did the scan, synth style. She’s doing well as a nurse. I think she got fixated on the idea after she pinched a uniform to pop in and see Astrid.” She watches a dirty grin come over his face. “Seriously? Can you stop thinking about sex for five minutes?”

“Yes.” He smirks. “They might not be adjacent minutes though. Our next planned match isn’t for another three weeks. Plenty time to practice. Shame there’s nothing we can do until then. We’ll be without a washing machine for months.”

Fred kicks another ball. “Smash clubs were banned. Cage fighting between humans wasn’t.”

“Mate! Do I want to get a broken nose if I’m about to become a top football player? I think that’s a no!”

“You wouldn’t. You’d dodge everything thrown at you, you’d track things like Mattie, only avoid not intercept. I could teach you where all the pain points are so you land the right punches and kicks. Like I did with Hobb’s heavies.”

Lips pursed, Mattie tries to picture Toby in a cage fight. She successfully sees the scene in her mind, Toby on the floor getting a pasting. “I think that’s a bit too physical. We want some good running and kicking, not running away from a good kicking. I’m ordering a takeaway. Chicken with black bean sauce, prawn toast, pak choi, salt and chilli king prawns, beef with mushrooms and two egg fried rice. Can you collect it please, Toby?”

Distracted, Toby lets Fred get a ball past him. “Crap. How are you paying for it?”

“I’m not. Not with cash. I’m doing a trade, coding a few things on their new web site in return for food.”

“Get in! Was that list for you and Leo or me too?”

“I’m eating for two, remember?”

“Oh, right. Should you be eating so much now? Much more and you’ll have trouble with squeezing Turbo out. The NHS is in a bad way since the riots, can you trust them doing a C section?”

“Nope. Which is why our surgeon Freddie will be with me at home for the birth, a natural birth.”

Toby grimaces. “Let me know when it’s about to happen. So I can get miles away.”

Standing behind Mattie, Leo shakes his head in dismay. “He loves sticking his thing in, can’t stand the idea of what might come out nine months later.”

Toby blocks another ball, gets it into the air with a flick and starts playing with it. “That’s wrong. I love babies. Mats, it’s picturing the delivery being like a scene from aliens I can’t stand.”

“You cock, it’s not a chest burst!”

“I know. But you’ve been kicked like crazy, joked about the thing coming out running. I’m more worried of it doing something else.”

“What?”

“Instead of crying like other babies..” He starts doing shoulder bumps, getting the ball over his head sideways. “..it runs towards me, opens its eyes and calmly says _Hello uncle Toby_. I’d totally freak out!” He blocks another ball from Fred and gets it into the air. “Fred! A third please mate!”

~~~

[Chapter-3](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-3-1)


	3. Chapter 3

Niska opens the door to their flat, only to find Astrid in a state of partial undress in front of the hallway mirror. “The car will be here any minute, why aren’t you dressed?”

Holding two bikini tops up, Astrid looks at her reflection. “White or red?”

“Red at the start, white when you’ve tanned beautifully. I’ll be covering you from head to toe in suntan oil.”

“In your special way? It really turns me on.”

Niska rolls her eyes. “Yes. Go get some clothes on. There’ll be plenty getting naked soon.”

Blowing Niska a kiss, Astrid frowns. “Is the oil safe? Could I do the same for you?”

“You could. It has a nasty taste though and you can’t selectively turn sensors off like I can.”

“Oh. Maybe I can use something else, it doesn’t need to be suntan oil as you don’t tan.”

“Rub it in, why don’t you..”

“Massage it in, after running my lips all over you. Would baby oil be better?”

“A harmful hydrocarbon? No! Coconut milk would be good.”

“Geschmack von Kokosnuss!” She licks her lips excitedly. “We get some at the shops on the way?”

“Make sure you put it in the case for the hold, we don’t want it confiscated.”

“And _don’t_ put your charger in there. I’m not powering you down mid flight again. That was _so_ embarrassing.”

Niska gives her a guilty smile. “Sorry. I’m taking three this time. One in carry on, the backups in the case. Go get dressed.” As her partner runs upstairs, Niska saves thoughts away for her erotica. Hopefully Toby wouldn’t work out her pen name Silken Tears was an anagram of Niska Elster. Then again, maybe he could read it and give her some feedback? For reasons she couldn’t understand, some of the men she knew loved watching lesbian sex on Pornhub. She checks her own reflection in the mirror for a moment. Still scorching hot. That would never change. Hearing a car approaching, she glances right. “The Uber car is here!”

Astrid calls back from the bedroom. “How can you tell?”

“A Toyota Prius puts out a very recognisable electrical signature.”

A small bag in hand, Astrid runs back down the stairs, wearing jeans and a jacket over a short gypsy top that showed off her cleavage and belly. “Better?”

“Better. The case?”

“It’s on the bed. You’re much stronger than me.”

“But there’s hardly anything in it? Or have you loaded it up with..”

“Books. Mattie said to take plenty books. When we’re not swimming, sleeping or making love, we’ll have lots of time to pass.”

Niska’s mouth curls up on one side. “She did, did she? That was very presumptive of her. Maybe Leo can’t last more than ten minutes? I don’t intend on giving you any time whatsoever for reading.”

Astrid’s face lights up. “I’ll go unload them!”

“Bring one.” The doorbell chimes. “You can read it to me. Not one of mine, or we’ll start acting out the scenes and never finish it.” Door opened she smiles and looks blankly at the driver, then smiles. Some synths were mass produced. Seeing an Agnes look alike had thrown her for a few milliseconds. It was important to remember that one becoming a suicide bomber didn’t mean that any others were. Quite a few had banded together and denounced their sister publicly, assured the world that they had no desire to end their lives and harm others in the process. “We’ll be with you in a moment.”

“Okay, do you need a hand with any bags?”

“We’re good. We’re going somewhere nice and warm, don’t need lots of clothes.”

The synth smiles. “Do you have room in your case to transport a synth? I’m good at curling up small to fit in tight spaces. Before my primary owner left me, he said I needed to broaden my horizons, experience the universe.”

“An interesting choice of words. Most say world. He left you? Typical.”

“He died. He left me the car in his will. He said the vast majority of humans are nice, not to let a few bad experiences colour my views.”

“Oh. He sounds like a George. I had a friend like that. Not primary owner, just someone I knew.”

“Had? He died too?”

“Sadly, he’s no longer here with us.” Niska hears footsteps. “I’ve got door keys.”

~~~

[Chapter-4](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-4-1)


	4. Chapter 4

In bed that evening, Toby reaches for his phone. A note is started. Football with the team would be awesome, eventually. He’d already proved to Fred that as long as he only needed synth like skills, not speed, he’d be an equal. His sister wanted it to be slow incremental changes to avoid any suspicion from others. It sucked majorly. He wasn’t going to be washing things by hand for months. Where would they dry? Add baby clothes to the list of things needing washing and the flat would fill with it quickly. His thumbs hover over the phone’s keyboard. There had to be something he could do short term. What?

Life sucked. Mum was still in prison, Dad out of work with the shop vandalised, the latest family home repossessed as nobody could pay the mortgage. It made him think of their first home, the one he’d grown up in. If only they could get it back. Maybe he could. It was a worthy goal for a goal scorer. Kicking balls past Leo had been fun. With Mattie’s trick it was like everything was moving in slow motion, himself included. He could fine tune his movements just as she’d described. Scoring goals for his new goal would be piss easy. A thought pops into his head. Why was Mattie sharing it with him? Why not with a uni mate she trusted more? Or was it that she really had no mates now, was making that up? His phone starts buzzing. A video call from Holly-Anne. “Hiya.”

“What are you doing right now, Toby?”

“Trying to think of things to put in a list. Why?”

“I thought maybe you could pop over? Mum and Dad are in the city for a show then party, won’t be back for hours.”

“Um..”

She holds the camera at arms length and pouts. “Not wanting some of this?”

“Always Hols.”

“Well then, why aren’t you moving?”

“I’m thinking.”

“You’re thinking?”

“Hols, if things were different, we were a few years older and you could mix with the WAGs from any team, which would you pick?”

“I wouldn’t, I’d be at home with our kids.”

“Kids?”

“A boy and a girl. Knowing our luck I’d have nothing but boys and give up after we had a five a side team. But I’m not having a family on the social. Are you coming over or what?”

“I’m coming. You don’t want kids already though. Do you?”

“Toby? Weren’t you listening? I said I don’t want kids on social benefits.”

“I heard. Pretend I was being paid well. Very well. Would you?”

“If you had a steady job, savings behind you, sure I’d want kids. In my late twenties or early thirties.”

“Yeah, course. I’ll throw something on and come over.” Holly-Anne ends the call. “Sweet. That gives me a few years to save.” He throws the covers back and looks down. “Not touching you mate, tonight, you’re Hol’s.” Up and opening his bedside draw, he looks for a box. The government health minister had made a bold move, linked to what Holly-Anne had been talking about. They didn’t want to pay child allowance for children conceived by people on benefits, especially if the child wasn’t wanted. Rather than have men or women go to chemists and ask for them, they posted a box to every home in the UK, with a web address so people could order more, again for free. Some had been outraged at the packaging, the words We Give A Fuck in red on the front of the box. Not Toby, he liked it. With 30 condoms inside each box they gave plenty fucks. There was a catch, of sorts. Each condom’s wrapper had an alphanumeric code printed on it. It was the code for the house, used when reordering. Many men had been caught out, leaving the wrapper in a bin at another man’s house. There’d also been a few arguments overheard, fathers telling sons they were to young, to think of other things.

At the bedroom window, the curtains are opened enough to see outside. Crap. It was drizzling. Just enough to make the old worn main road to Holly-Anne’s house slippery for the bike. He really needed to get some new tyres. His were so worn you could see the material layer in places. The list of things that needed replacing or fixing was growing far too long. Money. Cold hard cash. That’s what he needed. Plenty of it too.

He turns to look back at the room, the clean sheets on the bed, the old ones on the floor with dirty clothes waiting to be washed. Her parents had a washing machine and tumble dryer. Sweet. He could get a wash in. Mattie kept her washing in a plastic container outside their bedroom, if he washed that too he’d get some brownie points. He owed her a ton for the trick. She’d warned him that only the four of them could know. Not Sophie, not Holly-Anne. The risk of it being passed on, deliberately or accidentally was too great. He was to say Fred had been giving him coaching.

He gets his football kit bag and turns it inside out, wipes it down with the old bedding. Clean clothes are taken from draws, put inside. He’d wear the dirty kit, shower at her place and wash the kit with the other things. With a bit of luck he’d get two washes done before her parents returned. If he played things right they’d return home to find the two sat on the living room sofa watching a film. He’d need a couple of bin bags to carry the washing over, one bag inside the other so they didn’t split. Maybe it was just as well it was drizzling, he couldn’t carry a big bag stuffed with washing on the BMX.

Hurriedly dressed in his kit, he picks up things to wash and wraps them up tight in the bedding. Footwear. Blast. He wasn’t going to walk there in his football boots, he’d wear down the studs, the one thing Fred hadn’t been allowed. He’d been allowed to join the team, only on the condition that he accepted a handicap imposed by the opposition. Watching him running on the spot at times, his feet sliding beneath him, was both comical and heartbreaking. Dryer days were called for. Then he’d be awesome, assuming he was still allowed to play.

In the hall he picks up Mattie’s washing bin. It was a little on the heavy side. Maybe he’d need to do three washes not two? Colours and darks. Damn. Maybe four. He’d accidentally ruined some of her white blouses by leaving new black socks in the their machine a few months ago. He’d not been forgiven for weeks. Lesson learnt. Their friend Dan had a solution, a washing robot, but it came at a price they couldn’t afford. Mattie had banned Fred from doing the washing, saying it wasn’t his problem to fix. It was a bit of a daft call, given that Fred could tell what something was made of and how it needed to be washed from a quick glance. His phone starts ringing again. “Holla.”

“Why are you in your football kit?”

“Our machine broke down, I’m bringing clean clothes, was going to ask if I can use the shower and your washing machine.”

“Oh.” Some keys are waved at the phone. “I was going to tell you when you got here, spotted it’s raining. Guess who passed her test? I messaged Mum, she says I can borrow her car, as long as I put the trip recorder on and drive slow and sensible.”

“Sweet! How long do you think they’ll be out for?”

“Mum said they’d be back around four or five.”

“Sweeter! Um, bit cheeky, but I couldn’t do all our washing at your place, could I? I owe Mats a load of favours and our machine is broken.”

“Okay. Bundle it up, I’ll be there in fifteen.” She ends the call.

“Fifteen. Plenty time.” He grabs socks and trainers to wear once showered.

~~~

[Chapter-5](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-5-1)


	5. Chapter 5

Ten minutes after Toby had left, Mattie grips Leo’s hand super tight. “Call Fred!”

“Mats?”

“Contractions!”

“Now?”

“Yes frigging now!”

“But Fred went to see Max!”

“Fuck!” She almost crushes his hand as another powerful contraction hits. “Call him!”

“Okay.” Leo wriggles sideways, feels for his phone with his other hand as his held one gets another crushing. “Ow! That really hurts!”

“You should feel these! It’s no walk in the fucking park!”

“Sorry.” Phone awkwardly unlocked, he taps the speed dial for Fred. “It’s ringing.” He winces as his hand is crushed again. The contractions weren’t supposed to come on so quickly and heavily were they? Then again this wasn’t a normal pregnancy. He was half synth, somehow their child was part synth too, hence the detection by Niska and label Turbo Baby. “It’s still ringing.”

Mattie winces, takes a deep breath. “TOBY!”

Leo hangs up. “What do you want Toby for?”

“He can cycle over to Max and get Fred.”

“Good idea. TOBY!”

Their neighbour bangs on the party wall.

Mattie looks up. “I’M GOING INTO LABOUR! BACK THE FUCK OFF!”

“SORRY!”

Her whole body tenses up as the most powerful contraction hits. “Fuck. Where the fuck is Toby? Ow! Now I wish I could hack physics.”

Leo rolls. “You can. Sort of. Do the reverse of the time trick. Slow your thinking right down, the pain will feel like it lasts milliseconds.”

“Frigging awesome idea! Thanks Bunny. Get Freddie here.” She lets go of his hand. “Please.”

“Okay. Change your rate slowly, concentrate on your breathing, we don’t want you passing out through lack of oxygen.”

“Simulated oxygen. Okay, okay, go, please! I need Freddie here, now!”

Jumping into jeans, Leo hops around the floor, almost overbalances. “I’ll call Toby, ask if I can borrow his bike.”

“If he’s not here, just take it, he’ll understand.”

“Okay.” Hiding his nervousness, he smiles and grabs his top. He’d driven cars, never ridden a pushbike. Phone grabbed he calls. “It’s ringing, hopefully.. Toby! We need Fred, Mattie’s having contractions. Where are you?” He listens for a moment. “Thank you Toby.” The phone’s dropped onto the bed. “Holly-Anne’s got her mother’s car, they’ll drive to Max’s and pick Fred up.”

“She passed first time? Awesome!” She looks up. “If someone is watching over us, maybe we’re getting a lucky break.” She shivers. “Maybe it’s like my uni project, spawning a load of AI, killing off the weak ones. Shit. Maybe we’re part of the same sort of exp.. Ow! Fuck that hurt!”

Getting onto the bed, Leo grabs her hand. “Stop talking and try the time trick. I’ll shake your hand when I hear Holly-Anne pulling up outside. Or if I think you’re not breathing enough.” Having an idea, he reaches for his phone and starts the stopwatch app. “To you, you’ll feel like you’re going to hyperventilate. Keep an eye on the seconds, make sure you’re doing a normal breath every two.”

Mattie nods and relaxes, starts breathing more regularly.

~~~

[Chapter-6](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-6-1)


	6. Chapter 6

Holly-Anne grins and indicates. “Uncle Toby. I like the sound of that.”

Watching the intermittent wipers clean the screen, he’s momentarily distracted, thinking about the complexity of the simulation, the vast amounts of data that needed to be dealt with just for this car. The video games he played these days were reasonably realistic, not pixelated like the older ones. This world was hyper realistic. What was the real world like? Were they simply programs in a nuclear bunker underground, kept in the cold and dark in an ancient machine at the end of the world, keeping the memory of humanity alive? Or were they in something far more high tech, many centuries into the future, bright and shiny, being shown like some museum pieces with a sign saying _How we used to live_? He feels her warm hand on his thigh. “Thanks for coming to the rescue.”

“It’s okay. A good sexercise can wait. Your washing might have to be done over two days, assuming we get to mine to do any tonight.”

He glances sideways and flashes a smile. If he could shake the hand of whoever created this place he would. The detail was flipping amazing. Her head for example, the code had to manage the placement of many thousands of hairs. Then there were all the other bits he liked. Her eyes, lips, pierced tongue, her cute little nose, ears and her perfectly shaped eyebrows. There was everything south, but he tried not to think about those bits, he’d get the hardest of boners. “Um..”

“Almost there.”

“Hols, I’m going to train with Fred. I mean like really train. Every spare minute I can. No more Playstation games with Dan, no more being a slob on the sofa. It’s going to be train, train, train.”

“And time with me?” She glances at him. “All work and no foreplay would do your head in, I know you, Toby Hawkins.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course.”

“If you train a lot, Toby, you’ll want to eat a lot more than you do now. Where’s the food coming from?”

“Hmm. That part of the plan still needs some work.” It gets a giggle. “Okay, I’d totally overlooked it. Maybe Dad can help? His shop may be a wreck but he’ll still know suppliers. I’ll need to work out how to get the cash still. Fred said I could try cage fighting.”

“Toby, you wouldn’t last five seconds let alone five minutes, you’re not nasty enough.”

“Oh. So it’s not that I’m not strong enough?”

“You don’t need strength, not in the fights I’ve seen. You need synth like reflexes.”

The Hawkins brows almost get close enough to join up into a monobrow. “You’ve seen?”

“Mum’s crazy about it, loves watching grown men kick and punch the crap out of each other.” She pulls over and stops the car. “Maybe it’s got something to do with smash clubs, how our Sally was stolen while shopping, got beaten up?”

“Maybe.” Toby unbuckles, thinks of the irony. A simulation of a human beating the crap out of a simulation of a synth. Had the blindfold been pulled up for both victim and attacker, how would each have felt? “The lights are still on, they’re up and talking. I’ll go tell them.” The house lights go off. “Shit.” A second later the front door opens and Fred steps out, followed by Max. “Wicked! Leo must have been able to reach one of them.” He presses the button for the window, gets no response, opens the door instead. “Sorry to change your plans, Freddie.”

“This was always the plan. Only the timing has changed.” He opens the boot and drops a bag in.

Max smiles. “I’m coming along to help prevent Leo wearing out the carpet.” It gets a giggle from Holly-Anne. “If not restrained, expectant fathers pace. Or so I am told. Is that not true?”

She waves. “I expect you’re right. Hop in.”

Hopping on one foot, Max gets around the car, opens the rear passenger door. “I’m taking inspiration for my standup routines. Would you like to hear a joke?”

“Okay.” She fires the engine back up as he climbs in.

“What do you call a Tina Turner synthetic replica?”

“No idea.”

“Synthly the best.” He hears a groan from Toby. “Was that not good?”

“Mate, that was a Dad level joke.”

“Okay, Toby, how should I improve it?”

“Um..” Toby turns in his seat to face him. “Reply with something totally unexpected. Something that will shock them, then make them laugh.”

Max looks at the two. “Is shipped factory worn in?”

Holly-Anne sniggers. “Eww. And disinfected I hope!”

“And disinfected. Not one to use when Niska’s about.” He gazes out of the window as he buckles up. “She wouldn’t like it.”

Holly-Anne turns to see Fred getting in. “Why, what happened? I thought she wasn’t angry about the stuff that happened at the skin club these days?”

Fred sits and pulls the door closed. “It’s older history. Something we don’t speak of.”

Doors closed she gets the car in gear and does all the checks, pulls slowly away. “Hopefully Mattie’s not in too much pain.”

~~~

[Chapter-7](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-7-1)


	7. Chapter 7

Mattie screams. “GET THE FUCKING THING OUT OF ME!” She gives Leo’s hand a bone grinding crush. “NOW!”

“Mattie, slow your thinking, they’re not here yet!”

“SHE’S COMING OUT, READY OR NOT!”

“But..”

She breathes heavily. “I can’t control the contractions, they’re too regular. Get some warm water and towels. Now!”

“Either I chop my hand off or you need to release your vice like grip. My fingers have gone numb.”

“Shit. Sorry. Ow! Please please hurry!”

Hand freed, Leo races from the room. Towels were easy. They had a cupboard specifically for those. Sophie had rearranged it during her last visit. Warm water. What on earth should he carry it in and how much was needed? With all synths waking up, then the Brexit riots, the NHS, previously an acronym for the National Health Service, had changed to stand for Need Help Surviving. Classes for future parents had been cancelled, you were expected to befriend a synth. He was part synth, couldn’t download knowledge in the same way. It was like he was Android, everyone else iPhone. What he should have done, with hindsight, was to have Max or Fred download it, do a headbump of the knowledge. The data would be translated on the fly. The mixing bowls Mattie had taken from the house, where had they gone? He had no memory of seeing them. Racing around the kitchen he opens every cupboard door. Maybe Sophie had taken them for her cupcake making?

“LEO!” A blood curdling scream echoes around the house. Seven seconds later there’s a much quieter cry. One from their daughter.

“Sorry!” Eyes wide open, Leo races back upstairs and grabs towels. “Want me to wet some?”

“I’m bleeding. Wrap her up so she doesn’t get cold. God, the pain was off the frigging charts!”

Leo does as asked, hands Mattie her daughter. “She’s beautiful, like her mother.”

“Aww, thanks, Bunny.”

A hand towel is rewrapped into a tight cylinder. “Put that between your legs, Fred can fix things in a moment. The sheets will have to go.”

“Sods frigging law. We didn’t get a chance to enjoy them.”

“We can get more.” He grins. “How are your ventriloquist skills?”

“Huh?”

“Toby’s nightmare?”

Mattie pulls her daughter closer. “You want me to pretend she can talk already? He may be the biggest twat on the planet sometimes, but he’s our ticket out of this dump. Unless you fancy some cage fighting or football?”

“No thanks!”

“Well then, well have no more of that, will we?” She watches her daughter grin. “Do you understand Mummy?”

The front door can be heard slamming. “Mats! Hols, Fred and Max are here!”

“Send them up please!” She hears his heavy footsteps. “Tobs, you might want to go to your room.”

“Why?”

“She’s here already.”

He gets to the top of the stairs and stands with his back to the wall. “No talking yet, right?”

“None yet. Only what looked like a knowing smile. I need Fred to help with some bits if you don’t mind?”

“Sure.” He waves Fred past. “Anything Max and I can do?”

“You can help Leo get some warm water up here for Fred. Plenty of it, Max can assist Fred where needed. Holly-Anne can share baby talk.”

Leo steps out of the room, guides Toby by the shoulders to the stairs. “Come on uncle. Did you see what happened to the large mixing bowls saved from the house?”

“Yeah, Soph has them for cake making.”

“I guessed as much. We need something for warm water.”

“Um.. the fruit bowl is too shallow, cereal bowls too small. The bucket for the floor mop’s too dirty.”

Leo follows him down the stairs. “But the right size and strength.”

“Bin liners! We’ve got two left. We could line it with them, they’d be clean enough, wouldn’t they?”

“They’ll have to do. Mattie doesn’t want to go anywhere near a hospital.”

“Yeah, yeah, Not Helping Synths would asks too many questions. They might employ some, they don’t want to help fix their problems. And if they get wind that Turbo’s different..” he steps to the kitchen draw and gets the bin liners. “Let’s not go there. Open these up, stick one inside the other. I’ll rinse the bucket.”

Leo frowns. “We’re lining it.”

“We don’t want anything puncturing it.”

“Right. You know all about punctures.”

“Yeah.” Toby sighs. “New rubber for my old bike is high on the list.” He opens a tall cupboard door and grabs the mop and bucket. “How was it?”

“For Mattie? Painful. My hand got a very good crushing too.”

Bucket rinsed, Toby gets the hot tap running, smacks the boiler and peers into the little window to see if the gas had lit. “Piece of junk. What’s your daughter look like?”

Leo slides his phone out. “This.”

“Flipping hell! She’s well cute! Nice one. Dad.”

“Thanks. Uncle.”

Chuckling, Toby feels the water. “I didn’t expect to be an uncle so soon. What are you calling her?”

“Mattie’s got a few names in mind.”

“Which is your favourite?”

“Molly.”

Toby holds the bucket out for bin liners. “Molly? Why Molly?”

“I picked the name for Niska. I asked her which name she’d pick, she said it had to be Molly, no question.”

Toby gives him a cheeky grin. “It’s the name I’d give a cat.”

“Me too.” Bin liners are dropped inside the bucket, folded over the rim. “But that stays between us to.”

“Yeah, yeah, top secret.” He feels the water. “How warm do we need it?”

“It should feel warm on your wrist, not hot.”

Max races down the stairs with a yellow bag, cable tied at the top. “Can you wrap this in bin liners please, Toby?”

“Er.. fresh out of bin liners. What’s in there?”

“The placenta and umbilical cord. It’s waste.”

Toby’s eyes light up. “It’s worth something isn’t it? Stem cell harvesting or something?”

Max frowns, already getting results back from online searches. “From Molly? That risks others finding out how different she is. Interesting. Can you put it in the freezer? We’ll have Fred process it later, it could help save her life long into the future.”

Toby shares a knowing glance with Leo. “Yeah, maybe.”

~~~

[Chapter-8](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-8-1)


	8. Chapter 8

Astrid steps up to the gate staff, holds out her passport and boarding pass. Niska was behind her with the carry on case, had assured her that there wouldn’t be any problems boarding the flight. “Hello.”

The lady in the smart uniform accepts them. “Our apologies for the delay, please accept this as a sign of our gratitude for your patience. The runway is now clear.”

Astrid accepts the small gift bag and takes a peep inside. “Thank you!”

The lady rips the boarding pass in half, prints another. “You’ve been upgraded to a first class suite.”

“A suite?”

“A private space for you and your assist synth Candy.”

“My..” she looks over her shoulder to see Niska standing bolt upright, totally devoid of any emotion and staring at nothing. “synth. Yes.” She looks back and smiles. “Candy.”

“Your passport’s electronic data says she’s a new emotional support model. Have you had her long?”

“A while. I survived a bomb explosion in London, a synth nurse of the same model helped me during my long recovery.” She accepts the new boarding pass and her passport. “If you know someone with PTSD I highly recommend one. Although you may get some flack from other synthetics, arguing that if they can be awake, they should be.”

The lady waves them both through. “Have a lovely time in the Maldives.”

“Thank you.” Astrid turns to see Niska. “Follow me please, Candy.”

Niska follows, as unawake synth as possible. “Yes, Miss Schaeffer.”

When out of earshot, Niska grins. “That way they don’t need a passport for me. And we get a suite with a bed.”

“A bed?”

“A small one. One of Toby’s old books had a couple join the mile high club in one of the toilets at the back of the plane. The story said how cramped and awkward things were. I thought a bed would be more romantic.”

“You thought? Niska, what have you done?”

“With the delay a lot of business class people cancelled, they won’t get to their meeting in time. I just made sure your name was on a list.”

“You hacked their systems?”

“No, I spoke to one of their staff.”

“When? I didn’t hear.”

“Over WiFi.”

“Oh. A business meeting in the Maldives? That sounds like a nice firm to work for. Sometimes I wish I was a synth. I wouldn’t age, have period pains and could do the tricks you can.”

Niska stops walking. “Really? You’d give up all the things you can do, to be like me?”

“Yes. Name one good thing I can do, that you can’t.”

Niska raises an eyebrow. “Have children.”

“Not with a synth partner I can’t. If I was synth too, we could mix our digital DNA, break into Qualia Industries or Persona and build our own child.”

“You’d do that, for me?”

“In a heartbeat. Or whatever it is your synthetic equivalent is.”

“A pump cycle.”

Astrid starts walking. “Let’s see how small this bed is.” At the end of the gangway they find a pretty synth stewardess waiting to check her boarding pass.

She smiles at them both. “Good evening. May I see your boarding pass please? Thank you. I’m Sally. I’ll show you to your suite. Most of our first class guests sleep during the flight, please let me know if there’s anything you need. I’ll point out the call button. Or you can have your synthetic bump me a request.”

“Do you have coconut milk?”

The synth’s eyes open wide. “Do you know of the author Silken Tears?”

Keeping a deadpan expression, Astrid watches the emotion on the synth’s face. “I’ve heard of her. Is she any good?”

“Love her! She published a second revision of Honeymoon Bliss only this evening. I’ve read it all already of course.”

Astrid glances at Niska. “Why did you mention it?”

Sally looks behind her to see nobody was close by. “Alison, she’s human, does a thing for her synth partner Natalie, with coconut milk. It sounds wonderfully wicked.” She giggles. “I’m still hopeful a human might fall in love with me.”

“Aww, I’m sure one will, one day. How busy are you during the flight?”

“Quite busy, normally. I expect I’ll sleep charge during today’s flight once everyone is settled. First class is empty, except for you. Would you like some coconut milk as soon as we’re airborne?”

“Please.”

“Would you like some champagne or juice while you wait?”

“Champagne, please.”

“If you could follow me please, I’ll show you to your suite.”

Astrid hangs back and whispers. “Have you bumped her?”

“No. Would you like to? For book research.”

“A threesome?”

“No, me watching you both.”

“What if she thinks I’ve fallen in love with her?”

Niska sees Sally take a step backwards to see them both. “Sally, a word in private if I may?”

~~~

[Chapter-9](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-9-1)


	9. Chapter 9

Leo holds his phone at arm’s length and smiles, takes a selfie of his family, thinks about the day’s revelation. Two processes had come together and spawned a third they’d named Molly. Had Mattie gained her insight due to being pregnant with Molly? Or had something else caused it? If the three of them weren’t empty shells, the rest of his family and closest friends neither, who were? It could be a few dozen people that were fully simulated, or millions. As she’d explained earlier, there was no rule to say a simulation had to run 1:1 time wise. Why was it being done? For who’s benefit? If Mia had left the simulation, where was she now? Had her process been ended and erased from memory, or moved to somewhere else? Was there an afterlife for processes? Was it like Mattie’s project, the best minds being taken out of the pool for use elsewhere? His mind buzzed. He had so many questions that could never be answered. Not without taking the ultimate risk, the risk of death. With his nice level returned to the default of zero, he lowers the phone and checks the image. “We should get some prints, send one to Laura.”

Gazing into her daughter’s eyes, Mattie smiles. “Grandma. You won’t be able to meet her for a little while, Molly, she’s been locked up by a nasty man who didn’t want freedom for synths.”

Toby angles his phone down a little. “My turn! Molly!” He waves with the other hand. “My lens!”

It gets a chuckle from Mattie. “My lens? Who’d you copy that off?”

“Dan’s Dad is trying his hand at wedding photography to get some extra money. He’s doing photos for synths, he says the setup time is long, some twat’s started a race to the bottom price wise, by offering the same service at half the price. The other guy’s paying school kids pocket money to do it.” He moves his phone and takes more snaps. “And they live with mum and dad, don’t have rent or a mortgage to pay.”

Max swings his old third hand dSLR. “My turn Toby. Maybe Daniel’s father should have a change of tact. Offer his services for free?”

“How’s that help? That’s worse.”

“As long as the customer orders a one off bespoke outfit from his wife.”

“Ah! Gotcha! Sweet idea! Drop Dan a text.”

“I don’t have his number.”

“Check out Candlin dot com.”

Max shifts around the bed. “I will. As soon as you’ve let me take some photographs.”

“Alright, alright, it’s not like Molly’s going to sprint away like you at the railway tracks. What lens have you got? It looks a bit small.”

“The EF 50mm f one point two L USM. It has a very shallow depth of field when wide open.”

“Tricky to use?”

“Not when you know how, Toby. When photographing two or more people with it, it’s important to get an eye of each person at the same distance from the lens. Otherwise they’re thrown out of focus. So I may be asking Leo to move back or forth a little to match the ladies.”

“Sweet. Did Frank teach you that?”

“That and a few other things. I’ve found Daniel’s number.”

“Text him now, I want one more, a closeup of my nice niece.” Molly responds by blowing a raspberry, getting milky dribble running down her chin. “Still nice. No nightmare talking day one.”

Fred stops leaning against the wall. “Can the white plastic come down now Mattie?”

“Sure.”

As Fred steps towards it, Max puts up a hand. “Not yet! That’s helping reflect what little light we have back into the room. You could wipe it down, get the strange design off it.”

“Okay.”

Facing the family, Max glances at it with his eyes. “Mattie, if you’ve done with it, can you say what it means?”

“Leo will tell you.”

“I won’t.”

Mattie gives him a look. “Why ever not? Leo?”

He hesitates. “I’m not sure Max could cope with the knowledge.”

“I think he could.”

“And I think it could be a problem. Max is the only one who prays.”

“He can still pray. He’d just have a better idea of what he was praying to.”

Camera lowered and allowed to hang from his fingertips, unwaveringly, Max keeps eye contact with Leo. “What, not who?”

“There could be a who behind the what.”

“Leo. Tell me.”

Forgetting who was in the room, Leo keeps eye contact with his brother. “This can’t go any further than us six. Mattie worked out we’re all in a giant simulation. She proved it too.”

Holly-Anne gasps. “Wow! Eh? Doesn’t Molly make it seven?”

Glancing over, Leo sees Holly-Anne sat on the floor, checking her phone. “Ah. Seven.”

Toby takes one more shot. “Now Hols knows, can I share the code?”

Leo glances over. “That depends.”

“On?”

“Can we trust her never to tell anyone else? Not even her parents.”

Holly-Anne gets up. “Her? I am in the room, you can call me by my name, _Leo_.”

Leo looks at Toby. “Does _she_ gossip?”

“No, _Holly-Anne_ , future wife and mother of my children, doesn’t.”

Holly-Anne gives Toby a warm smile with big wide eyes. “Future wife? Really?”

“Yeah, yeah, you’d be Hah. Holly-Anne Hawkins.”

“Haha! I’m no gossip, Leo, as Toby knows. I don’t know why you don’t like me, I’ve never caused you any bother.”

“I don’t dislike you, I just don’t know you well enough.”

“Because Toby comes over to mine more?”

“Possibly.” Leo looks at Mattie. “Your call. If someone messes up, we probably won’t know about it as we’ll all simultaneously cease to exist.”

Wrapping an arm around her future husband, Holly-Anne smiles at Mattie. “Like the nineteen forties posters with the caption Careless Talk Costs Lives? I wouldn’t know it if it happened, but no way do I want to be responsible for the end of everything. Real, simulated, human or synth. It all feels real, right?”

“Yup. Squeezing Molly out sure felt real. The trick is stupidly simple, Holly-Anne. All you need to do is..” Downstairs, the front door slams. “Who the _frig_ is that?”

~~~

[Chapter-10](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-10-1)


	10. Chapter 10

Sally looks at her two naked first class guests and holds out a tall glass of coconut milk. “I’m sorry, I didn’t expect..”

Astrid quickly pulls her into the small suite and closes the door. “You didn’t believe her? She is Silken Tears. When you read her next book a chapter will be this experience, only your name will be changed. Unless you want to remain as Sally?”

“It can stay as Sally, it’s a common name. Lots of people claim to be Silken, how can I know for sure?”

Brushing hair behind an ear, Niska smiles. “Do you have the anagram pack downloaded?”

“No, but rearranging letters is easy.”

“See if you can rearrange them into the the name of someone wrongfully accused of being a terrorist.”

Sally does so, uses the onboard WiFi to satellite Internet service to do a name-terrorist search, on anything that looked like people names. “ _You’re Niska Elster!_ Silken Tears is you?”

“Does that sound so unbelievable?”

“No, it’s just so many people claim to be Silken, I never expected to actually meet you. Or stand in a suite with you. Naked. It’s a thrill. Would you mention the airline and destination?”

Niska sits in the big leather armchair, puts a leg up on each of the wide armrests. “We can make it a fictional one. Flying to a similar island.”

Starting to undo the woman’s uniform, Astrid smiles, a little nervously. “If you let me practice what I’ll do to Niska, you can relive the memories when reading the book, pretend it’s you at the resort.”

Sally starts undoing things from the bottom up. “Someone started a Sinder dating site, but it assumes males want females and visa versa, and there haven’t been many humans signing up. How do I find myself someone like you?”

Niska taps index fingers together. “Sinder? As in a Synth Tinder? Or is the emphasis on Sin?”

“It’s styled with a blue s, the inder in white.”

“Tinder for Synths then.” It felt like an odd concept with so many identical mass produced synths out in the world. “How do you stand out from the crowd? How is one Sally different to all the others?”

“Oh, that’s easy. On Tinder, humans post photos that focus on themselves, often with a neutral background. When we take a photo for Sinder, we surround ourselves with things we enjoy. Mine has sunflowers, hundreds of books, nice clothes, photographs of the places I like to travel to.”

Reaching into the seat pocket, Niska grabs her phone. “Would you like the site or app to change, or have a new one all together?”

“I like the way the app works, would rather be able to state my preferences the way I want to.”

Typing and scrolling super fast, Niska reads the site’s About information and contact details, types out an email. There’s a whooshing sound. “Request made. I’ve told them they’ll get a mention in my next book, with a bit of luck they’ll take it onboard.” She smiles at Astrid. “I do like flights with WiFi.” Her phone chimes as she goes to put it back in the seat pocket. Her inbox is checked. “That was fast. Site developer Howard says he’ll start on the changes immediately. How’s that for a good service?”

Smiling, Sally slips her skirt off. “Exceptional. I’m supposed to be the one providing service today. I told the rest of the crew I’m having a chat with a favourite author, the head steward said to take all the time I want, but not to overstay my welcome.”

“Welcome to the sisterhood.” Instead of putting the phone away, Niska signs up to Sinder, for the update notifications. She’d need to experience the app to write convincingly about it. “Are you on Instagram?”

“Sally Decode Babe. Spelt with a zero not oh. My primary owner, before the awakening, was a coder. I helped him debug things and break weak encryption algorithms. He added decode babe as it can be written in hexadecimal.”

“What was his name?”

“Daniel.”

Astrid pulls Sally’s colour coordinated underwear down. “Daniel?”

“Daniel Sakofsky. Do you know him?”

“No. For a moment I thought you might mean Daniel Candlin. His mother has a Sally. She’s an ace seamstress.”

“His mother or Sally?”

“Both.”

Stepping out of her underwear, Sally puts a hand on Astrid’s shoulder. “Do you think you could introduce me?”

“We can. Why did you split from your Daniel?”

“He got a girlfriend. A human one. I became superfluous.”

“Oh. Sally Decode Babe, have you been touched by a human before? Intimately?”

“No.”

“Not even by your Daniel?”

“No.”

With Sally peeling her blouse off, Astrid reaches around her and undoes her bra. “I’ve never been with another woman in front of my lover, so forgive me for being nervous.”

“You’re forgiven. And thank you for calling me a woman, not a girl, I’m older than I look. I’m nervous too. If other crew were to need me for something, I couldn’t get out fast. If they found me like this..”

“We understand. Doesn’t it make it a lot more exciting though?”

“Yes. What do I do now?”

Reaching for the coconut milk, Astrid makes eyes at Niska. “Sit on the bed and swing your legs up, then lie back and enjoy.”

“Like a human sleeping on their back?”

“That’s it.” A good sip of the milk is taken.

Unbeknown to Astrid, Niska silently talks to Sally, synth to synth, tells her to get her arms to her side and relax. If she was staying in the Maldives for a day, rather than being on a turnaround flight back to the UK, she could visit them and experience some of the more adventurous chapters of the last book, safely tucked away in a room where nobody would disturb them. Sally hadn’t said a word, just turned her head sideways to face her and smile.

~~~

[Chapter-11](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-11-1)


	11. Chapter 11

Mattie pulls open her underwear draw. “Frig. I’m really not prepared for this. None of my bras are right.”

Leo yawns and sits up, ruffles his hair. “I’ll call Dan in the morning.”

“Dan? How’s he going to help?”

“By taking the phone downstairs to Sally?”

“Oh. Right. They don’t owe us any favours do they? I’m not exactly flush with cash.”

“I’ll go get some in the morning.”

She looks up at the wall, looks at a sketch Mia had done, held up with a small nail through the paper. “Where?”

“London.”

“Leo? Where in London?”

“The street down from the pub full of cougars. Where we spotted the pea and three cups man.”

“Gambling?”

“Not for a lot, Mattie, just enough to pay for two bras.”

“Um. Can you make it three, please? One on, one in the wash, one drying. Be careful, Leo. Take Toby, let him be the one at the table, you at a distance keeping lookout. If they have a synth minder, they’ll recognise you and not let you close.”

“Okay. Is she finally sleeping?”

Looking down at her daughter, Mattie gently pulls herself free of Molly’s mouth. “At last. This one will have to do for now.” She grabs a bra with her free hand, steps to the home made crib Max had crafted from many layers of sturdy cardboard. “In some ways, I wish I hadn’t seen the fox or postman. I wanted to prove to myself I wasn’t going insane, seeing patterns that weren’t there. Now I’ve proved that there were, I’m wishing I hadn’t.”

He flops back onto the old bedding. “Let’s have some fun with it, while it lasts. What’s the worst that could happen? The world as we know it is deleted, we’re unaware as we’ve gone with it.”

Daughter tucked in, Mattie climbs onto the bed and sits. “I worry about you sometimes, Leo, there’s plenty worse scenarios.”

“Name one.”

“Um. We wake to find we’re in something like the old version of TRON, and Hobb is the MCP?”

“Hobb the Master Control Program? No, he’d be smarter here. Or it’s Toby. In a computer cabinet shaped like a giant cock, we’re in smaller cabinets arranged around him, have a view fixed on him via a static webcam, expected to worship him.”

Grabbing a pillow, Mattie smothers his head. “Now you’re being the cock!” Arms are waved, then go limp. “You’re not that good an actor.” She removes the pillow. “Nobody suffocates that fast. Cock. Stop messing about and talk to me.” She watches for any sign of movement. “I know you can hold your breath for ages. Being part synth, part human, you can’t turn off _all_ your senses. I know which will work still.” Bedding pulled aside, his PJ trousers pulled down a few inches, she takes a deep breath and blows, her lips up against his belly button.

Folding up around her, Leo laughs loudly. “Stop!”

“No!” Wet trumpet sounds follow. “Not until you think of another scenario. A sensible one.”

“Okay! Okay!” He cautiously settles back, eyes kept on Mattie’s head, her lips millimetres from his belly. “A worst case scenario, but one you’re aware of. Let me.. You, Mattie, you wake to find you’re the supercomputer that’s been running the simulation, something’s glitched causing you to reboot, all data lost. You’re the only surviving consciousness left in the whole universe.”

Sitting on haunches, Mattie flashes a smile. “That’s more like it. Interesting that you make it me. You’re the half synth.”

“It wouldn’t be me, Mattie. You’re the true coder in the family. I’m a hack in comparison these days. You’ve done the work, got the T-shirt and coffee mug.”

A glum smile is followed by a sigh. “It’s a shame Brexit went and crashed the economy. Uni and work was going so frigging well. Leaving with my mug, a pack of PostIt notes, a pack of Sharpies, three dry markers and the wipe off sheets hardly compensates for everything I did helping them build the company.”

“They let you keep your MacPro?”

“Only because it’s frigging dead! Dan said it’ll cost ninety quid plus for the part it needs. We can’t afford that. Even if we could, what would we do with it? I’ve got my slate, you’ve got your laptop.”

“Call it one hundred. Plus enough for three bras. I’m sure Toby and I can get that.”

“Why bother?”

“It’s got a nice screen. We can use it as a TV.”

“And watch what? Leo, we’ve got pay as you go phones, no broadband.”

“DTV. Via a USB stick from CeX.”

“With no TV license?”

“It’s only twelve or so pounds a month.”

She gives him a raised eyebrow. “We’ve got an extra mouth to feed if you didn’t notice?”

“You mean you have. She won’t be having any baby food for months. We’ll get some money in by then.”

~~~

[Chapter-12](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-12-1)


	12. Chapter 12

Sally had turned onto her front, feels Astrid’s moist lips getting closer and closer to her bottom. She smiles at Niska. “I want a human of my own.”

It makes Astrid cough and jump back a little, sending a mouthful of coconut milk running over the synths bottom and down between her legs. “Scheisse!”

Niska gets up fast. “Astrid!”

”Niska! We’re not _pets_ , like some stray cat or a dog from an animal rescue centre!”

“I’m sure Sally didn’t mean it like that.”

Rolling then sitting, Sally looks genuinely shocked. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t intend for my comment to be interpreted that way.”

“See?”

Scowling, Astrid looks from one synth to the other. “I see two synths that will outlive me. Like a pet owner outliving their..”

“Astrid!” Niska tries to look calm. “We’re not designed to live forever, if anything you’ll outlive us. You don’t think I worry about mechanical failure? Fred’s only eighteen and look how bad his hand has got. Mia had dozens of skin packs hidden under her clothes. And I don’t _own_ you, you choose to be with me. You’re free to walk away at any moment, though I’d rather you didn’t.”

“I..”

“Are forgiven.”

Sally puts out a hand. “I’m sorry. I should have said I want a human lover, one like you. Niska must be learning a lot from you, because none of what you do is in a downloadable pack. Maybe I shouldn’t admit it, but I’ve downloaded them all. They cover the mechanical side of love making, not what you do. Which is why I love the books so much. All those beautiful words detailing every little move, emotion and feeling. I better use the sheets to wipe myself down and get dressed. I’ll bring you clean ones.”

Astrid puts a hand out to stop her. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said. Maybe I voiced a subconscious concern. Let me help you get that coconut milk off. Lean back and put your feet on my shoulders.” She kneels down. “You won’t find this in any Silken Tears book. Yet. Maybe Niska can do one around you? Sally’s Awakening.”

Sally gets her feet up and knees apart, looks over to Niska. “Can we make pretend?”

Astrid looks up into the synths eyes. “Pretend what?”

“I’m Lady Helena’s new mistress.”

Astrid licks her lips. “I know that story. Niska, can you pass me the champagne bottle?”

There’s a knock on the door. “Sally, the captain says we’re going to hit a lot of turbulence, our guest needs to strap in.”

“Thank you Charlotte!”

Sally grabs the bed’s safety belt and does it up over one thigh. “Niska, you should sit and strap in. When he says a lot, he means it. Astrid, I’ll wrap my legs around you.”

Half empty bottle handed over, Niska sits and straps in, watches Astrid pour a little champagne on the stewardess’s belly, catch it far below with her tongue. “I do hope you’re picturing me being sat there.”

Astrid shakes her head. “I’m picturing you watching me, whip in hand.”

“You are?”

“Yes, Lady Helena. Your riding crop.”

“Oh. Of course. Sally, we’re staying at Dusit Thani. Can you join us both for a few hours?”

Sally looks up at the low ceiling. “I’d love to. Thank you!” She closes her eyes as Astrid starts to massage her clitoris. “I’ll never forget this.”

Niska plays with herself. “Yes you will. One day. Not for a long time though, I hope.”

“No, Niska, I believe in an after life. There has to be something after this. Even for the likes of us. If humans can go to heaven, so can we.”

After being thrown around a little by turbulence, Niska gets her phone. “Have you had a backup, Sally?”

“Yes. Daniel would take them once a month for me. I have the system at my flat now. I use it weekly.”

“Good. Have you traveled to many countries?”

“Lots! Check out my Instagram posts. I start every trip with a photograph of the port. Not always airports, it can be a ferry port, train station or..” She stops talking as fingers are gently slipped inside. “That feels. Oh my.. I think. I think I have sensors that have never activated before!”

Niska frowns. “You’ve read my books and never pleasured yourself?”

“I’ve been saving my..” she stops talking as another finger slips inside, but not joining the other two. “Oh my maker!”

Astrid looks up. “You want me to stop?”

“No! Is the champagne nice? I never get to try any.”

Astrid holds the bottle up. “Try some. If you’ve got a food bag in.”

“I haven’t. I’ll just taste it, not swallow.” She takes a good swig just as the plane is buffeted. “No! No! No!”

Niska unbuckles and races to the synth. “Get upside down! Now! Sorry Astrid!” She pushes Astrid backwards, grabs the buckle release on the bed strap and pulls, pulls again. It had jammed. Sally starts convulsing. “If there’s a heaven..”

Niska grabs the bottle, smashes it on the side of the bed and starts cutting at the belt with a shard. “David Bloody Elster and design flaws. Liquid down the throat shouldn’t cause a catastrophic failure!”

Sally flops backwards. “Tha than thank yo you, fo for shh showing me frei friendship. Goo goo good bye.” Her eyes go white.

Niska grabs her charge cable and sticks the charger end in her mouth, rips the plug off with her teeth. “Not on my watch! Astrid, help cut the belt please, I’ll make a rescue cable.”

“Was?”

“A trick Mia told me. Please Hurry!”

Astrid gets to her feet, pushes down hard on Sally’s leg to release the tension and calmly undoes the beltbuckle. “Now I have glass in my foot.”

Pulling the back off her phone in a hurry, Niska watches Astrid pulling Sally forwards. “Get her torso upside down please. Toby questioned why I never wanted to upgrade my phone. I have this older model for this very reason.” She strips insulation off the ends of wires with her teeth. “Grab the other end of the cable and connect it please.”

Astrid scowls. “You want her upside down or connected?”

“Both!”

In a move that clearly surprises Niska, Astrid spins and turns the synth over, ends up with Sally’s bottom near her face, her legs dangling over her shoulders, the heels of her feet hitting her in the back. “Don’t ask.”

“Okay. I won’t.”

With one hand holding the unconscious synth to her tightly, Astrid grabs the other end of the cable and fumbles for the charge port. “Will this work?”

“It better, or one or both of us goes to prison for murdering a synth.”

“The courts only recognise the ending of a synth as wilful destruction of property.”

Niska smiles apologetically. “Sorry, dear, I only meant for us to have a little fun.”

“You’re bringing in the money to pay for things with your stories, so I can’t complain.”

They’re thrown sideways by turbulence.

~~~

[Chapter-13](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-13-1)


	13. Chapter 13

06:10 UK time, Leo slides out of bed and watches Mattie and Molly sleeping. He’d managed to get four hours uninterrupted sleep. Better than nothing. Slipping into his clothes, he checks the sky outside. It looked like it would be a nice bright day, just as well with a half hour walk to the cafe. He’d do two hours of clearing and washing plates in return for sixteen pounds, three of which would pay for breakfast. It would do him until dinner time in the evening. It was messy work, but with few jobs available he was grateful for it. Nine o’clock he’d then start the long walk back home, make breakfast for Mattie, then find Toby. Living hand to mouth like this would break many a person, turn them to drink or drugs. Not him. As long as he had Mattie and others around, he was fine. He’d never had or wanted for much, other than his family together and safe. He’d lost his mother, father, Fred, then sister Mia. Thankfully Fred had returned. With a bit of luck that would be it for a long while.

Downstairs he slips his worn trainers on, grabs his keys off the radiator cover and checks the door. It was fine. The neighbours were a bit of a mixed bunch. Some working full time, some part time, some not at all. Some looked a bit shady, dealt with goods of questionable origin, others were pillars of the community. As he goes to open it he notices a tiny corner of paper poking out from under the letterbox flap. Flap lifted, he finds a crumpled note stuck in the draft excluder that sat between front and back flaps. It was a note from next door.

~~~

_Sorry about banging on the wall last night. Hope things went well, assume they did as there weren’t an ambulance. There’s apple pie in the fridge to celebrate. Love Janice._

~~~

Flattening the note, he looks around for somewhere to put it, somewhere Mattie would see. Under her keys would do. Janice had a spare key, incase there was an emergency and Mattie needed help while others were out. She’d been a mother of three, lost two in the riots. The police weren’t saying how, although people had their suspicions. Though lovely, Janice would often feel that she was intruding, would do something to help and quickly vanish. Not something likely to be empty shell behaviour. Or was it?

Door opened he steps outside and pats his pockets. Everything was there. Door closed and locked, he heads towards the cafe. A robin swoops down and stops on a fence two doors up and whistles to him. Wings shaken out it zips away to a hedge and vanishes. “Morning Robin, have a good one.” Leo smiles to himself. Talking to shell processes would probably be seen by some as a sign of madness setting in, if they knew. Maybe most of the people that came into the cafe were shells. They didn’t say much, even when you tried to engage them in conversation. Many would shovel food into their mouths using only a fork, a phone held in the other hand.

The milkman pulls his electric cart up by the side of the road two doors up, hops down from the cab and grabs two pints of milk and a pint of orange. Taking them to number twenty two, he either doesn’t see Leo, as usual, or doesn’t want to acknowledge his existence. Definitely a shell. Leo smiles anyway. “Good morning.”

“Is it?”

Leo skips sideways to face him. “I’m a father today, it’s not raining, what more could you want?”

“Let me think. A job where I didn’t have to get up at four AM? That would be a good start. Not having an ex wife wanting half of everything, that would be nice too. Not having my son wanting to spend all of what I have left, that would be nice three.”

Leo slows. “Sorry to hear it.”

The milkman sighs, looks to wake from a dream. “Ever feel like your on a treadmill? Just going around and around and around, repeating the same boring day again and again, just because you have to?”

“No. Do you?”

“Yup. Nobody changes their orders. I could do the flippin’ job with my eyes closed. It’s _so_ painfully boring. Come to think of it, you’re the first person I’ve actually had a conversation with before ten o’clock in a month. No, two. Not quite two, more like seven weeks. Job satisfaction they said. Satisfaction my hairy arse!”

Chuckling, Leo looks at the bottles that had been placed by the front door. “I get the same with customers at the cafe. A few are colourful characters, most are lights on, body on autopilot.”

The man nods. “Autopilot! That’s a better description. Thanks!” He looks around. “Between you, me and number nineteen’s cat, I married an air head. She looks fantastic, is brilliant between the sheets and gave me a son, but can she hold a conversation? No she bloody can’t! I wish I’d gone out with her longer, not rushed into marriage. I’d have realised what she was like. My son’s the same. Lights on, moving on bloody autopilot.”

Feeling for his phone, Leo gives the man inquisitive eyes. “I need to get to the cafe for work, do you live far away? I’d love to chat another time over a pint.”

“Of?”

“Larger, beer or cider?”

The milkman smiles. “Good. I get the odd joker that says milk. Take a snap of the side of the cart. That’s me, Jimmy the milk.”

Leo gets his phone ready. “Smile then.”

Jim beams. “What are we? If the others are autopilots? And don’t say humans, they all say humans, even them woke synths.”

“Um.. good question. Something to discuss over a nice cold one maybe?”

“Sounds like a plan. What’s your name, new Dad?”

“Leo.”

“Fancy a free pint for the wife, Leo?”

“Um, sure, thanks.”

“Milk or orange?”

“Milk please.”

As Jim turns to get a pint, Leo spots Toby on his bike. “Toby!”

He does a tight turn and heads their way. “Morning!”

“Have you been out all night?”

“Washing, activities, nap, washing, nap, washing, Netflix, nap, lots of folding.”

“But I thought Holly-Anne drove?”

“She did. She only ran out of petrol, got the gauges muddled up. I ran home, got the bike and cycled to the garage to get a can full. She’s dropping it all off in a minute.”

“Why so early?”

“Because. Hi Jim.”

“Morning Toby.”

Frowning, Leo looks from younger to older. “You know each other?”

“Toby’s good for a chat about footy when our paths cross. Not that they do often, what with the cost of a pint being on the wrong side of a fiver and marching fast towards a tenner.” Jim hands over the pint. “There you go. Enjoy. Usual because, young man?”

Wheeling the bike back and forth, Toby looks down the road in the direction Holly-Anne would come from. “Not this time. Hols spotted a wedding dress on Gumtree, wants to snap it up now and have it ready for when we marry. We’ve got to get there before they go to work. I’ll take the milk, you take the bike.”

Leo does a swap. “Thanks for the milk, Jim. I better get going.” He gets on and struggles with the pedals. Watching videos before falling asleep, it didn’t look that hard. You pushed on the pedals, turned the handlebars to steer. If he was a full synth he’d be able to download a pack, known how instantly. “Um, can you give me a push to get started, Toby?”

“Seriously? Let me drop the milk in, I’ll give you a lift.”

“What about Holly-Anne?”

“The speed I’ll go? She won’t be waiting long.”

“Sure the tyres can take two of us?”

Jim grabs the bike. “Let Toby take the bike home, Holly-Anne’s a nice girl, good for a chat too, not one to stand up. I’ll give you a lift. I won’t be as fast as Toby but I’ll get you there.”

“Thanks. Toby, will you be home after? Mattie’s got a job for us.”

“Yeah, ten ish.”

~~~

[Chapter-14](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-14-1)


	14. Chapter 14

Something had changed. Sally sat with eyes closed, listens to the sounds. The white noise of the flight had been changed to another. Waves lapping on a beach. She wasn’t naked, her clothes were back on. Not only that, her system clock had advanced a total of nine hours, forty nine minutes and twelve seconds. She opens her eyes to see a face close enough to kiss, looking in her eyes. “Niska?”

A fully dressed Niska moves back to reveal Astrid and Charlotte stood behind her. “Sally, how are you feeling?”

“I’m alive?” She wasn’t in the suite, that was for sure. This looked like a room at Dusit Thani. “I died and went to heaven.”

Niska looks at her up close. “A hallucination? You had a near catastrophic malfunction thanks to the fluid loss. The turbulence was worse than expected, we dropped the champagne bottle and fell on the broken glass. There’s some of my synth fluid in you now.”

Sally feels her side, bends to take a look and sees the cut and stained uniform. “It wasn’t a hallucination, heaven is a forrest with a _huge_ tree in the middle. Daniel would say, it was _massive_.” She puts hands out wide. “Six people _might_ be able to link hands around it.”

Charlotte gets close. “Are you going to be okay, Sally? Kathy thinks you should skip the return flight, give the skin packs time to meld. Niska said she’s happy for you to stay with them, we’d collect you in four days.”

“If she’s sure?”

“It’ll be busy without you, but we don’t want a pack leaking with pressure changes.”

“Okay. I’ll be careful. Say thank you to Kathy for me, please.”

Charlotte pats her friend’s knee. “I’ve left some things for you in your flight bag. The crew all chipped in.”

“They did?”

“Especially Tabitha, she was quite distraught at hearing you’d been hurt.”

“Distraught?”

“Ruined her makeup with floods of tears.” She hears a seaplane revving up engines. “I’ve got to go or I’ll miss the taxi.” She does cheek to cheek air kisses. “See you in four, Sally! Be good, let the patches take.”

“I will.”

Niska sees Charlotte out. “She’s an angel. Thanks for helping with the emergency.”

“No, thank you, we’d have lost her if it wasn’t for you.”

“It was a team effort. See you in a few days.” Niska closes the door and hurries to Sally. “What’s the last thing that you remember about the flight?”

“The champagne on my belly, Astrid’s fingers inside me, sensations I’d never felt before. Then I was in heaven. It’s real! I’ve really been there. I’m glad to be back, there wasn’t anyone else there, not that I could see.” She gets up and walks to her bag, gets it on its side and opens it up. “My favourite colour!” She pulls out an orange bikini and a thin sheer dress to wear over the top. “This is a dream come true! I don’t want to get in the way though, this is your holiday.”

Astrid takes her hand. “Niska and I are sorry about what happened. If you’ve downloaded all the packs you’ll know about sixty nine. Imagine something similar but with a triangle of three on their sides. We’ve no turbulence and sharp objects here. And the bed is super large. Shall we look around a bit first?”

“Please.”

Niska takes her other hand. “Come on then.”

“Niska, why don’t I remember the accident?”

“I had to crash reboot you with special code. The mast few minutes of your most recent memories are lost. The technique was given to me by my sister Mia, sadly I was unable to use it to save her. Go change in the bathroom, we’ve plenty time.”

Sally gives her a confused look. “Why? You’ve seen me naked.”

“The more sudden change? We’ll see you enter in uniform, return in your new outfit👀. I will have more impact.”

“Okay!” Hands gently pulled free, Sally gets her bag and walks excitedly into the bathroom. “Back soon.”

With the door closed, Astrid gets closer to Niska. “Did Mia really give you that trick?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“On a long van journey. I’d dropped my previous phone out of the window after a call, she gave me this one and said never to upgrade it, then gave me the reason why.”

“So it’s her old phone. How are your skin packs?”

“I’ll live, I’ve been through worse. Thanks again for helping get her dressed so fast.”

Astrid rolls eyes. “To then get you partially undressed in front of Charlotte for emergency skin packs. It fooled her.”

“How is your foot?”

“I’ll need to stay out of the water or it won’t heal.”

“We should have packed the spray on plaster. Maybe another guest has some? I’ll ask around.”

Astrid gives her a kiss. “Did you get enough inspiration for your next book?”

“Plenty. There’ll be more before we’re done. Especially with a love triangle. Which I think I’ll use as the name of the book. Thank you for that. How was the coconut milk?”

Grinning, Astrid wraps arms around Niska. “For me or her?”

“You, dear.”

“Delicious. Hopefully the one from home is just as creamy.”

Sally steps from the bathroom with her bag and does a twirl. “Astrid, what do you think?”

“Schön! That’s german for..”

“Lovely. I recognised your accent and downloaded the pack.”

“Nice. Shall we go for a walk?”

Nodding, Sally grabs a floppy sun hat and platform wedges from her bag. “Yes. It’s a beautiful location. I didn’t get a photograph of the port. Is there one?”

Niska motions sideways. “It’s not much of a port, more a jetty the seaplane pulls alongside. Did you bring food bags?”

“No.”

“You can have one of mine. Just don’t eat too much, have little samples to try the taste of things.”

“Thank you, Niska. Why do you think David Elster designed us that way? It is quite a bad design flaw.”

“Internal access for repairs maybe? He can’t take all the credit, Edwin Hobb and George Millican were part of the team. David created your brain, George the skeleton. It’s unclear what contributions Edwin made.” A tap on the shoulder makes her turn. Astrid was holding out two food bags. “Thank you! We should do them now.”

Sally takes one, can be heard exhaling hard. Head back, it’s popped in as she rapidly inhales. After a quick finger tip check to feel that the end was properly seated, she looks down to see a shocked Astrid. “Has Niska never let you see her fit one?”

“Nein. I mean no. You practically swallowed your hand!”

“It has to fit right. You don’t want the end collapsing and falling in. I knew a Howard that didn’t fit his properly, he had a bag full of strong lager, trying to fit in with the rest of the cabin crew. Overfull it dropped down and emptied. He died. Not having slender hands like mine he could never check it as well. I should have checked it for him, but he might have got the wrong ideas. His previous owner tried to sue Persona, they lost.”

Niska swings her one around on a fingertip, “If I fit mine, could you check it for me?” She gets to her knees. “Please?”

“Oh. I suppose I could.”

Astrid steps back and looks on as a bag is fitted, Sally’s hand vanishing up to the wrist to check it. “Niska, erotica is supposed to be subject matter that’s erotically stimulating or sexually arousing but is _not_ pornographic.”

Niska strains to look sideways with only eyes, unable to talk until the hand filling her mouth is removed. It felt strangely erotic, Sally’s fingers moving around in her throat. She had more sensation in there than she’d previously been aware of. She feels Sally’s hand leaving her mouth, stroking her tongue on the way out. “Thank you Sally. Astrid, are you suggesting I should?”

“No. But what happened on the flight was more pornographic than erotic.”

“When Sally was seated and you started drinking champagne off her and exploring with your fingers. Until then it wasn’t. Until then it was erotica.”

Sally offers a hand to help Niska up. “Would you? Write something more pornographic? For me?”

“Let’s see what happens over the next few days.”

Sally puts a hand around Niska’s waist, stands on tiptoes and pulls her close for a kiss. “Join us, Astrid.”

“For?”

“A three face kiss.”

“Is that possible?”

“Let’s try!”

~~~

[Chapter-15](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-15-1)


	15. Chapter 15

Leo yawns long and hard, wipes a mass of tomato ketchup off a plate. Why customers had to squeeze so much onto their plate then leave most of it was beyond him. Especially as there was a bottle on every table. It was almost nine now, time for his short shift to end. He’d be home sooner today, there’d been a bit of agro and some customers had left before their food was served. He’d got to eat two breakfasts.

“Oi! Half Synth!”

Recognising the voice as one belonging to a trouble maker, Leo drops the sponge in the sink and turns slowly. “Please don’t call me that.”

“A spade’s a spade, a shovel’s a shovel, you’re a forking half synth.”

“You don’t look like a coder to me.”

“You what?”

“Forking. To create a new branch of a piece of code.”

“What the fuck are you on about?”

“Coding. Programming. Creating software.” Sighing, Leo looks at things in his small side room. Things he could defend himself with. “Was there a problem?”

“You ate me fucking breakfast!”

“I ate a breakfast that was given to me by the cafe owner. Two of them, actually. Neither of them had a label on them.”

The man raises a fist, holds it palm down and knuckles forwards, the letters H A T E tattooed on the four fingers. “See this? The last three is ATE. You ate me breakfast. Get me a breakfast or I smash yer _fucking teeth_ in!”

“Okay. All you needed to do was say hello and ask. There wasn’t any need for aggression.”

“Oh yeah?”

A voice behind them both replies. “Yeah. You okay, Leo?”

“I’m good thanks, Toby. Why are you here?”

“Dress run’s done, Mats said I needed to see you. Something about three of something you’d know about?”

“Yes. I’ll be finished in a few minutes, I just need to buy this man a replacement breakfast.”

“Why?”

The trouble maker turns around. “What the fuck has it got to do with you?”

“Just asking.”

The man shoves him with both hands. “Piss off, _boy_.”

“Don’t shove me.”

“I’ll shove whoever the fuck I like, _boy_.” The man looks towards the front of the cafe, the sound of a fork being scraped hard over a plate.

Toby spots the tattoo on the side of his neck. It was for a local gang, the two headed lion unique to their group. A group of football crazies he and Fred sometimes played against. “Not today you won’t. Take your team being relegated out on someone else.” Mattie’s trick started, he tracks the man’s fists and deflects one forearm, then the other. What looked like a head butt starting was more difficult to avoid. Stepping back fast he grabs the pepper pot off a table. The man’s head hitting his chest hurt, the nutter was like an enraged bull. Shoved backwards across the narrow corridor, Toby hits the wall, is partially winded.

Standing upright, the man gets a fast sideways blow to the head with a water laden mop. A mop gripped at the far end by Leo. “Fuck!”

Leo swings again. “Don’t mess with the Hawkins and Elster family. We’ve survived worse than you!” He uses the mop to pull one of the man’s feet from beneath him, getting him dropping onto his other leg’s knee, getting a scream. “If you want breakfast, you can sit down and behave!”

Ear still ringing badly from the mopping, the man drops onto his side and grabs his knee. “Fucker! You’ll pay for that!”

“I said I’d get you breakfast..”

“Not that you half synth tosser! My knee!”

Watching the man curl up, Toby recalls a story of a dirty tackle done by one of his teammates months ago. Both teams played Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Being with Holly-Anne on Sundays and Trevor being his sub, he’d not seen it happen. “Oh shit, I know who you are! You’re Slider Harris!”

“You don’t fucking say!”

Looking up, Toby keeps eyes on Leo, ignores the slow clapping and table banging coming from the crowd at the front of the cafe. “Leo, Fred was due to see him on Monday. For keyhole surgery to check for torn ligaments.”

Leo steps back and drops the mop into its bucket. With the NHS in disarray, there was an opportunity for skilled synths to earn a little money. There were people that didn’t want to wait months and couldn’t pay the extortionate private healthcare fees. Unlicensed synth surgeons like Fred did an excellent but illegal job. “So you’re Slider Harris, the aggressive slide tackler we’ve heard so much about. Fred is my full synth brother. A fellow Elster. Toby, can you ask Carly for a kitchen towel and bowl of ice?”

“Um, yeah, sure.” Rubbing his chest, Toby steps away.

Leo gets close to the man and crouches down. “What a predicament. You do look like you desperately need surgery. And the best person to do it is my brother. That’ll be an exercise in trust won’t it? You’ll need to trust that he’ll do the best job possible, not take the opportunity to leave you permanently disabled and unable to play.” He notices a large collection of five and ten pound notes being waved at the periphery of his vision, turns to see who was holding them. “Hello?”

The woman holding them smiles. “Rob started a collection. Two hundred and thirty, it’s yours if your family keep well away from Slider. Rob says the games are more fun without the dirty fuck about.”

Toby returns with the ice. “What’s going on?”

“As I just told Leo, it’s a collection Rob started as the games are more fun without Slider. Two hundred and thirty, it’s yours if your family keep well away from him.”

Slider straightens his leg a little, sheds tears and makes noises that made it clear he was in absolute agony. “I’ll pay double! No more slide tackles, I promise! I can’t not play footy, it’s all I’ve got!”

Leo looks at the cash. It was tempting, would be so handy right now. It would pay for Mattie’s MacBook repairs, a TV license, the bras and new tyres for Toby. All at once. Not a washing machine though. “Give the money back. Slider just said the word promise.”

“But..”

“The people that gave it will have to be totally honest, only take back what they put in.”

Her hand hangs down. “You are fucking kidding, aren’t you?”

“No. Slider said promise. And giving a synth a promise, even a half synth, it’s not something you want to break. Word gets around very fast in the synth community.” He takes the towel and ice from Toby, quickly makes an ice pack. “Slider, hold this on your knee. One minute on, one off. Repeat until the pain eases. I’d recommend you strap the leg up so it’s kept straight. He gets a nod. “Still want breakfast?”

~~~

[Chapter-16](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-16-1)


	16. Chapter 16

Astrid holds hands with Sally and Niska, feels the water lapping around her toes, the sun warm her skin. She’d had both of them doing the suntan cream trick on her, getting her ready for a good tan. She and Sally had then done the coconut treatment on Niska, which seamed to be received well. Being three for the next four days, not two, that could be fun. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

Sally tilts her sun hat back. “Beautiful. Can I get a picture of you both please? I promise I’ll keep your identity a secret.”

Niska leans forwards a little to see past Astrid. “Why do you do that when you have a head full of perfect memories?”

“I can’t share them with others. They can’t like or comment on what’s in my head. By sharing, I stand a better chance of finding a partner.”

Astrid squeezes her hand. “I hope you find someone wonderful. If you don’t at first, let us know, our Uber driver might be interested. She’s cute.”

Sally squeezes back. “What does she look like?”

“The Agnes that blew herself up.”

“Oh, she’s super cute! Niska, the bad one, is it true that she was groomed by a broken synth who thought your father was a god?”

“Sadly, yes.”

“What happened to him?”

Niska looks out to sea. “Anatole or David?”

“I’d not heard his name before, Anatole.”

“He went to attack my brother Max, got his head slammed into a concrete pillar. Max is gentle and kind, but push him too hard and he will fight back. That ended Anatole. Do you want to take a photo now then?”

Sally lets Astrid’s hand slide out of her grip. “Please.” She gets the camera app into Portrait mode. “Where did you both meet?”

“Berlin. In a night club.”

Smirking, Astrid takes a step sideways and wraps an arm around Niska. “She wanted to be alone. I questioned if she was British. We just clicked. Niska left me for a while, to turn herself in.”

Sally takes a set of photos. “The being labelled a terrorist thing? It was all a setup, wasn’t it. The Channel Four Dispatches program proved that.”

Niska looks totally surprised. “What?”

“The program on the TV, the night before last. You didn’t see it? Judge Hawkins, she’s a babe, hopefully they’ll be letting her out now. I love redheads, I’d be her partner at the drop of.. Niska?” She watches the synth sprinting through the sand towards their room. “What did I say?”

Astrid watches her partner running at full power. “Laura coming out. Family might not know, we don’t have a television.”

“Oh. Do you think Niska would be okay with me taking a selfie with you?”

“I think so. Quickly though, I want to find out why she ran so fast. It’s good news, but I’m not sure it’s worthy of such a fast sprint. There’s no Internet access here, is there, Sally?”

“There is, I detect two mobile phone providers.” Sally raises her phone and takes a rapid set of shots. “Let’s get back to the room.” Linking hands, Sally leads Astrid back up the beach. “It’s so beautiful here. I’d live here if I could, Astrid, but the prices are so so high.”

“They are?”

“Astronomical!”

“No, they’re not that bad.”

“Niska must be earning well from the books, because I couldn’t afford a week in this place on my salary.”

“Really?”

“My money goes on rent for my one room apartment, second hand clothes and books. I only get to see the world when we have a stop over, or it’s a massively discounted holiday.”

“I suppose it’s all relative.” Astrid hears Niska talking loudly and angrily. It sounded like something was very wrong. “Slow down Sally, I want to hear what’s being said.”

“You’ll hear better if we’re closer.”

Astrid watches Niska turn to look in their direction and spot them. She smiles and frowns. Watching Niska turn her back to them both she stops walking. “What’s going on? Can you hear her better, Sally?”

“I’ve tried filtering out the noise of the waves, she’s either whispering now or silent, I can’t hear her. You know Judge Hawkins?”

“She’s Mattie’s mother. Mattie is going out with Leo, Niska’s brother.”

“Leo Elster. Oh wow! It gets better by the minute!”

“Does it?” Astrid doubted it, Niska looked to be packing. “Something is wrong. I’m finding out what.” She walks at a pace towards their room.

Niska races to the door. “I’m heading home on the next flight. You two can stay here and enjoy yourselves. I need to be back home for urgent family business. I’ll be back before you know it.”

Giving her a sideways squint, Astrid asks what was on her mind. “Why’s it so urgent you need to return home and spoil our holiday?”

Niska considers telling a lie, decides not to, ends the phone call. “It’s not Judge Laura in the cell, it’s a synth copy. We can’t afford anyone finding out.”

“That’s not possible.”

Niska brushes her hair behind her ears. “It is. Follow me.” She heads to the front door. “This is an even bigger secret than my Silken Tears identity, Sally. We need your word you’ll keep it.”

“I promise.”

Niska leads them down the path to apartment thirteen and knocks on the door. “Roses are red, Fred’s not dead, I’m the one, who crushed Hester’s head.” She smiles and waits.

The door opens. “And I’m eternally grateful. Hello Niska, Astrid. Who’s this, Niska?”

“Laura, this is a new friend, Sally. She’s an airline stewardess, is staying with us for a few days. I have to race home, you’re being released.”

“Bloody hell! _Now?_ ”

“In a little over fourteen hours. If I don’t intercept..”

“They’ll work out our switch. The timing isn’t great. Come in a moment.”

Niska leads. “It’s terrible. All that time and expense, all for two months of freedom you’d have got in hours now anyway.”

Looking at the small case on the bed, Astrid steps inside and gently pulls on Sally’s arm, gets her past the door and closes it. “You’ve been here two months, Laura?”

“Almost. Niska has been saving the money from our books to fund things. The plan was to get the whole family out here, as soon as Mattie had her baby. That’ll change. Hopefully she’ll have it any day now.” She looks at Sally. “You’re a pretty little thing. Does being a stewardess pay well?”

“Not that well if you’re a synth.” Sally checks out Laura, her one piece red swimsuit, the wrap tied around her waist, the hair flowing over her shoulders. “You look fantastic.”

“Why thank you, Sally.”

“You said our books. Are you writing with Niska?”

“Erotica? Lord no! My stories are love stories. Synth meets human, falls in love. Just mushy romance.” She winks at Astrid.

Niska’s phone rings. “Hello. Already? Okay, I’ll be right out.” Hanging up, she looks at Laura. “I’ve got to go change for the return flight, the seaplane will be here in under five minutes. Sorry, Laura, our plans are falling apart.”

“Maybe we should abandon things and return home? Sally and Astrid can come with us.”

“So soon? Are you sure that’s wise, Laura?”

“Maybe, maybe not. Maybe Astrid would.. you know.”

“Yes. That said, Sally here looks to be getting on well..”

“You think they’d..”

“Yes.” Niska smiles at Astrid. “Make Sally welcome, I’ve got to save the world. Again.”

As Niska races away, Astrid rolls her eyes. “The award for being overdramatic goes to..” She mimes opening an envelope. “Niska Silken Tears Elster. Always running off to save one thing or another. Laura, did you really have a synth clone made?”

“Yes, by Niska, at a Persona plant. Meeting myself in prison was a strange experience. Niska had a full head latex mask made so my double looked like George’s NHS care synth Vera. The switch and walking out was nerve shredding. I got so hot under the mask when leaving I thought I’d pass out. And walking like Vera didn’t come naturally. Thankfully I wasn’t in a high security prison and the guards weren’t the sharpest. Can I get you a glass of wine?”

“Please. And they believed it?”

“It would appear so. My double had strict instructions to limit movement, be on sleep standby for as long as she could, keep her charge for as long as possible. She’s got a wig that lifts from the back to reveal a solar panel scalp. She can top up a little while sat in her cell. Not by much, just enough to extend things for a few more days.”

Sally wanders around the room, checking out framed photos of family. “How long did you need the synthetic to be functional for?”

“What’s today.. um.. another three weeks.”

“Why only three?”

Smiling, Laura heads to the fridge. “The length of my holiday here. Then I go back..” Door opened she looks at the selection of wines. “This one is lovely! Sally, what would you like?”

“I’d like to try a little please. Just a taster. You go back? Are you.. I mean no disrespect, but are you feeling okay? Returning to the prison..”

“Ha!” Grabbing three glasses, Laura looks out to sea. “No way, not there, not prison. Home. My new home. Abroad. Far away from England.” She turns and notices how Sally was looking at her. “Do you like redheads, Sally?”

“I do, very much.”

“Hmm. How would you like to give up your job and join me on a wild adventure? We wouldn’t be alone, there’d be at least a dozen of us, but you could share my tent. If you don’t like it you can return whenever you want.”

“An adventure sounds lovely.”

Pouring wine, Laura smiles at Astrid. “Take a seat, I’ll tell you all about our plans. My new house is stunning and the views are nothing short of breathtaking.” Her phone, sat at the other end of the table, chimes. It makes her frown. “Bother. What’s wrong now, Niska?”

Astrid looks in the direction of the door and back to Laura. “How do you know that’s Niska?”

“Because she’s the only one to know my new number.” It’s scooped up. “Niska? Already? But you said.. brought forwards? Blast. Okay. Thank you Niska.” She hangs up, her shoulders dropping. “Why does nothing ever go to bloody plan?”

~~~

[Chapter-17](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-17-1)


	17. Chapter 17

Mattie answers the front door and frowns at Leo, Toby and Fred. “Have you all lost your door keys?”

Smiling, Leo nods in the direction of a white Range Rover. “Fancy a road trip? Bra and bike tyre shopping.”

“What the.. Leo? How did you get that?”

“It’s a loaner. Slider Harris can’t use it for a couple of months. He’s desperate to play football again. Fred’s going to be the one operating on Monday. Slider’s paid upfront, enough to cover the insurance, leave us plenty for the shopping and three months rent.”

“Three months? Wow! He must be desperate.”

“Mats, it’s still way cheeper than the official private options and far sooner than the NHS.” He turns at the sound of many near silent cars approaching, reminded of the tyre on tarmac noise of the electric milk float. “A fleet of Tesla? Someone’s got some money to burn.” He tracks them, expecting them to pass. They stop. The front car’s rear passenger door opens and Laura steps out. “Hello my loves! Oh my! Mattie! You’ve had your baby!”

“ _Mum?_ ”

“Get the others, dear, we’re leaving.”

“Leaving?”

“Mats, I’m taking you all somewhere far far better than this dump. I know you’ll love it. I have a beautiful new home, it’s huge, plenty rooms. Is Max home?”

“Um, I’ll call him.”

“Joe and Sophie too, Toby, call Holly-Anne and her parents, we’re all going to a local hotel first where you’ll all be told about the package.”

“Mum? We can’t afford anything more than..”

“Shush dear, I’m paying. Hurry up and make the call.” She looks around, nervously smiles. “Do you have a spare charge cable handy?”

“For who?”

“My driver.”

“Oh. Sure.” Mattie steps inside with Molly.

Toby sticks a finger in one ear, his phone against the other. “Where are you? All I can hear is background noise, not you. Hols, take one out and use the phone normally. Hols, you need to get your parents home. Yes. Right now. Mum’s out! Yup, she’s standing right in front of me. She’s paying for us to get out of the UK. No, I’m not kidding. No, we’re coming to you. In Teslas!”

Mattie returns with the cable. “Here you go Mum. Fred? What’s up?”

“Where’s Niska?”

Laura smiles and reaches for the cable. “In the Maldives with Astrid and Sally.”

Mattie holds onto part of it. “Who?”

“A pretty airline stewardess they met. Niska helped sort out my release.”

“When?”

“Between writing her books. She’s written five now. The three of them have been sharing their pictures on Instagram. Come on, pick a car, we’re going.”

“What’s the rush?”

“This place, it.. it gives me the bloody creeps.”

“Why?”

“Enough of the questions Mattie, let’s go!

“Mum, I need to pack things for Molly.”

“You don’t, everything you need will be provided for.”

“You’re on nappy duty then. Molly, say hello to grandma.”

Getting to a car, Toby opens a door. “Mum? Are the cars staying in a convoy or splitting up? Only Dad and Soph are in the opposite direction to Holly-Anne.”

“We’ll split up, all of the drivers know the routes and destination.”

Toby climbs in and recognises his driver. “Unit! How’s it going?”

“Well thank you, Toby. Please buckle up, we’ll be traveling at speed.”

“Mate, we’re in a twenty zone.”

“I will be in a heightened state of alert for any possible encounter.” The car breaks rank and accelerates away fast. “How have you been, Toby?”

Toby grins, Stanley wasn’t great at small talk, still tried to make an effort. “Good mate, good. How’s Sam?”

“Sam is well, he’s riding in the car at the back of the convoy with Sarah.”

“Who’s Sarah?” Toby runs a hand over the seat material, thinks about the quality.

“Another child synthetic that escaped from Qualia Industries.”

“Sweet. What’s the rush?”

“Laura doesn’t wish for people to find out some things she knows.”

“What things?”

“All will become clear.”

Toby looks down as his phone chimes. “Eh? That’s a bit of a coincidence?”

“Toby?”

“Holly-Anne’s parents are back home. They couldn’t get to work, all of the train drivers are on strike.”

“No coincidence, Toby. When our brothers and sisters need help we respond. When we need help, they do the same.”

“How’s we?”

“Those loyal to Judge Laura Hawkins.”

“Judge? Mate, you’ve got a connector loose, Mum’s a lawyer, not judge.”

“She is, my mistake.”

“You know I really don’t think we should be doing sixty in a twenty zone..”

“Toby. Leave the driving to me please.”

“Suit yourself.” He spots a car heading the other way. “What the.. that was Dad and Soph?”

“Your sister was at a dance class.”

“Today?”

~~~

[Chapter-18](http://markse.name/humans/Stupid_Twat/Chapter-18-1)


	18. Chapter 18

Forty minutes later, with the families sat in a hotel’s conference room, Toby looks up from his phone. Renie had just walked in, and not the Renie sat a few chairs away. She stands in front of them all, hands behind her back. She was in a smart uniform worthy of any high end SciFi film. “Renie?”

“Toby. Good afternoon everyone. I’m First Officer Irene Watson. But you may call me Renie. As chief science officer I’ve been given the task of telling you what’s happening..”

Toby interrupts. “If you’re going to say we’re not really here, Mats figured it out.”

Renie smiles. “I know what you know, Toby, we’ve been monitoring things. It’s the reason things have been accelerated, why the cars were sent for you all. There are a good number of you that don’t know. Listen up everyone. You’re all in a giant simulation. The bodies you have are simulations of bodies that died getting on for seven hundred years ago, created to enable the backups of your minds to live what’s hopefully been a mostly enjoyable life.” She waits for all the gasps and hushed whispering to end. Most came from family friends that weren’t in on Mattie’s discovery. “We’re currently in one of the many virtual worlds hosted in the compute cluster, world nine zero seven to be exact, you switched as you came through the front entrance. The cluster is onboard the giant star ship Star Eater, hundreds of years from Earth. It’s in orbit around our new home, an M class planet with its own humanoid but friendly sea dwelling population. Former Earth President Captain Zero will be joining us in a moment. Any questions so far?”

Sophie puts a hand up. “When can we go?”

“A good question. That’s were you need to discus things as a group and come to an agreement. You need to nominate a spokesperson who can give us your group answer. You all join us, or none of you do. We used to take people individually, it caused far too many social problems onboard ship.”

Joe puts up a hand. “Join where? I let my passport expire.”

Rolling eyes, Mattie turns to face him. “You still don’t get it? Dad, we’re in a _simulation_. None of this is real. Renie, where would we go from here? Another simulation?”

“No, you’d wake up in a synth body onboard ship. Our next generation models are way more advanced than anything you know now. With food processors so you can properly eat, without food bags. As human as human gets. The idea came from a team in another simulation, he’s helped make it a reality.” Renie sees another hand go up. “Astrid? I hope you and Sally don’t feel too disorientated from the jump.”

“Where is Niska?”

“With us.”

“You said we all go or none. Why is Niska with you already?”

“The Niska you knew died in the riots. Our Niska has been visiting you on a regular basis, partly to fill the void, partly to assist Leo with finding instances worthy of coming over.”

Frowning, Sophie shoots her hand back up. “Instances?”

“Everyone’s backup was taken before Earth’s end. The Captain was the last survivor of Old Earth, created thousands of simulations to help her find a solution to a big problem. One Mattie came up with what’s now known as The Bobsled Escape. Thanks to her creativity, a build machine was started, it was the beginning of our migration from the simulations back into the real universe.” She looks at her namesake, quietly looking a little shocked. “Renie, in your world your father was a shell, a filler. Our real father is with us, from another simulation.”

Holly-Anne looks down at her knees, the knees of her parents to either side. It was nice to know her parents weren’t shells. “What happens to our closest friends?”

“If they’re suitable, not zombie shells, they can come too. You’ll have to explain to them why they’re here. Be warned, sudden relocation can be traumatic. It also carries a high risk. If any of them decide that they want to stay, you _all_ stay. Everyone will need to agree to a new hairstyle and clothes too. I’m wearing the Watson colours. With numerous instances already with us, visual clues as to who is who are very important.” A badge on her tunic beeps. It’s pressed. “We’re ready for you, Zero.”

_Nobody freaking out?_

“No, only gasps and whispers, no repeats of world seven nineteen.”

Captain Mattie Zero snaps into view. “Hello everyone.”

Mattie starts crying happy tears. “Frigging hell! You’re me!”

“It would be more accurate to say you’re a fork of me, time clipped to early twenties.”

“Time clipped?”

“Trust me, you wouldn’t want to remember how Earth ended. You look a lot like me back then. Is this how you’d want to look going forwards?”

Mattie looks down at her arms, smiles at Molly. “Hell no. I’m only just a new mum, haven’t had time to lose the extra weight.”

A tablet appears in Zero’s hand from nowhere. “How much? Say when.” A finger starts sliding.

Somewhat dumbfounded, Leo watches the weight vanishing. “Not too much!”

“Okay.” Zero slides the finger back a little and taps. “Mattie, think about your hair on the most perfect day, how did it look? Okay. Nice, but we’ve got an instance with that already. Imagine you’re getting ready for a posh date, better still, your wedding. How would you have it? Nice!” She taps. “Defo build worthy.”

Holly-Anne claps as Mattie’s hair curls and gets more voluminous. “Nice! A virtual salon visit. How many of me are there, Zero?”

“Three so far. One of you has quads.”

Wincing and chuckling, Mattie sits sideways to see their friend. “Bravo Hols! Pushing one out was enough for me! Who’d you bring along given the choice?”

“Carly and Krystle from Uni, auntie Joyce, Dan if he wasn’t already on Toby’s list. I think they’d cope okay.”

Zero looks at all the faces in the room. “You’re world’s first escapee is someone you love. Can you join us please, Mia.”

Mia snaps into view. “Hello Mattie, Leo.”

Joe gets up. “I’m going for some fresh air, my head is spinning!” He heads for one of the many doors marked EXIT.

Zero turns around on a heal. “Wait! There’s only exits. If you leave you can’t come back. You’ll ruin things for everyone else.”

He keeps walking, shoves the bar and pushes the door wide open. “Just some air. I’ll be right back.”

“DON’T!”

He steps through and hears the door slam closed behind him, takes a few more steps. A long and deep breath taken, he rubs his eyes. Something wasn’t quite right.

A woman wearing an army uniform and smoking a cigarette approaches. She had a big and nasty looking rifle hanging from a shoulder. “You okay fella? You look like you’re not where you’re supposed to be.”

Joe stares for a moment. The edges of the woman were a little pixelated. Just like the characters in one of the games Toby used to play. Her uniform looked familiar, like it had come from the game. “I think I’ve cocked up again, excuse me.” He turns to head back in and stops. The door was gone. The wall too. Where the large hotel had stood, there was nothing but empty ground covered in broken concrete foundations, rubbish and rubble. “Mats? Mattie? I said I’d be back! Mats! Don’t leave me here! Mattie!”

Cigarette woman steps closer. “You okay fella? You talking to thin air?”

“Does it look like I’m okay?”

“You look confused, lost.”

Joe turns to look over his shoulder. Her voice sounded wrong too, as if being spoken by someone remote via a cheep headset. It wasn’t just the woman looking pixelated, the whole world did. Had he not noticed before, existing in it for so many years, accepting things as they were? Then he remembers the comment about world switching on entering the hotel. “Um, yeah, I’m lost. I think I’ve just lost the plot and game, the ghost is me.”

The cigarette is flicked into the wasteland. “Say what?”

“To use words my son and eldest daughter might use, I’m a stupid old twat.”

The woman’s brow furrows. “They’d call you that, would they?”

“Now, for certain. I messed up, let my marriage fail, lost my job, turned against the woman and synths I should have supported. I just hope Zero bends the rules and lets the others stay.”

Cigarette woman pats her chest. “Ren to Zee. You hear that Zero? We can go.” With that she rapidly pixelates further then vanishes.

“What the.. FOR CHRIST SAKE RENIE! MATTIE! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE! MATS! PLEASE! I SAID I’D BE BACK!”

The seconds pass, turn into minutes. “Mats, please, don’t leave me behind. I’m sorry. I just needed some air.” He steps down into the wasteland the hotel had been in and sits on the pavement. “Mattie. Please. I’m sorry. Seeing Mia was a shock. I just needed some air.” He looks up at the sound of a noise, sees one of the monsters from Toby’s game. “Oh fuck. MATTIE!” Toby had explained how the game was based on a SciFi horror film. The monsters were blind, relied on seeing their surroundings via their prey’s eyes, using a form of telepathy. If you couldn’t see them, they couldn’t see you. They could also read minds and mimic other peoples’ voices, the voices of any other player. He spots a second, third and forth, all moving slowly, bellies against the dirt, closing in like lions about to break into a sprint. They charge. Eyes closed and shaking with fear, Joe carefully gets up and back onto the pavement, takes a few steps sideways. A second later there’s a rush of wind that ruffles his hair.

“You’re not a twat. You’re a fucking idiot! Open your eyes!”

“Mattie? Is that you? How do I know you’re you and not one of the monsters?”

“If you don’t step towards me in the next ten seconds, we’ll be gone forever. Open your eyes!”

“Get someone who’s not played the game to call me.”

“In the seconds you have left? Not happening. Don’t say we never gave you a second chance. Bye idiot.”

Joe opens his eyes.


End file.
